Roses Diary [S.M]

A million reasons

It's a couple of days after the whole dramatical meltdown between Shawn and I. I am still mad but my raging emotions have calmed down a bit.

I am sitting in my living room, watching some a movie with Luca, as usual. Well, it's more like Luca is watching the movie and I am physically present because my thoughts are anywhere but in this room.

I cannot stop thinking about Shawn and the things he said. What did he meant when he said that it was all a misunderstanding? Especially the part about him not cheating on me. I know what I saw. The pictures spoke for themselves. It was hard to misinterpret what I saw. It was clear as day.

"What do you think about Liane? Do you like her?."

"O yeah..."- I have no fucking clue he is talking about. "She seems cool." I guess... would help if I knew who it was though. I literally saw the title of the movie and after that I have been lost in my own thoughts.

"Got ya..."- Luca says and pause the movie. "Okay, speak up. What is on your mind?."

"Nothing?." I try to keep my face in check as much as possible. Failing miserably, of course. I cannot fool that guy.

He raise one eyebrow at me. "Do you really think that I believe you?."

"I was just thinking about what Shawn said." I can do this the hard way but I know, that in the end he will find out anyway. So, it will saves me a lot of time and energy to just admit it.

"About what he said at the party?." He asks in clarification.

I nod my head in response.

"What about it? You know that it is only a trick to make you believe that it wasn't his fault."

"I know..."- of course, I know. What else can it be? "It just made me think. That's all."

"Do you want to hear him out?." Surprisedly, Luca isn't so defensive as he was at first about the subject. He actually really tries to listen to what I think.

"No. I don't know... what good will it do?."

"I don't know. Maybe you will get some closure?."

"I doubt that..."- me talking to Shawn? Probably not that best of an idea. "Let's just continue watching the movie."

"You don't even know what it's about." Touché.

"I know but you are probably so good in explaining it."

He rolls his eyes and sigh loudly but like the sweetheart he is, he pulls me closer and explains what the movie is about.

It's around 12.45 am and I am laying in my bed. Luca left around a hour ago and now I am all alone in my apartment. Anna is going out with Jack and is probably crashing at his place because his apartment is closer to the clubs then ours is.

Even though, I have to wake up early in the morning, sleep doesn't really take over my body. Expect I have been staring at my ceiling for a good 30 minutes now. With one burning question on my mind: Should I give Shawn a chance to explain himself?

Will it fix anything between us? No, probably not. He has caused too much damage for me to ever forgive him but on the other hand, it's almost 2 years after everything went down and apparently, I am still not over it. I mean, if you still think about something, that means that you not over it, right?

Maybe it can bring me some closure? Maybe he can give me some answers and I can finally close the Shawn chapter properly and move on with my life but then again, will it change anything if I know the reasons behind it? Maybe I will only make it harder on myself? So many what ifs are running through my mind. I know that if I stay in bed any longer, I will be good to go to a mental hospital. I am driving myself crazy with overthinking every single thing in my life. It is going to be the death of me one day.