Roses Diary [S.M]

An open book

"Are you ready?." I look at Shawn from the corner of my eye. Yes, we are both nervous as hell. Maybe it is because, even though we are sharing so much of our lives, this is something that really hits close to home. But we both understand that we need to talk about this. I have given a quick look at what the people online are saying, and I know that if we do not respond soon, people will come up with their own stories. There is already a theory going around that Shawn didn't wanted a child with me and forced me to abort the baby. That is just fucking insane.

"Sure babe." What he says doesn't reach his eyes. I know that he has read the comment about him deciding to abort the baby. Although, he will never admit it to me or anyone, comments like that hurt him. Especially since he is the one who is or was exciting to have a baby of our own.

That is the fucked up thing about this world we are living in. People say just stupid things. They have absolutely no idea of what is going on behind closed doors and just start making assumptions. That's not only the case within our world but also in every day life. In my opinion, people should really just stick to their own business and leave everyone else alone. You have no idea what kind of demons people fight.

"We don't have to do this. You know that, right?."- the last thing I want is for Shawn to feel pressured to talk about something, he is not ready for. "We do not own any of them a explanation." If I have to choose between the mental health and inner peace of my boyfriend... o sorry, fiancé and the rest of the world. I would choose him without a second thought.

He gives me a closed mouth smile and grabs my hand in his. "You are sweet but we need to explain to our fans and followers what is going on, before this story starts to live its own life." He says, sounding pretty determined.

I nod my head in agreement. Alright, let's do this. I lean forward, reaching for my camera. Once I am sure that the camera has the right angle, I click on the record button. The green light of the camera starts to blink. We are live. Sort of.

"Hey, it is me... Rose and welcome to a new video on my channel. As you can see, I am not alone today."- I smile from the camera and turn my head to Shawn. He flash one of his famous smiles. "Hey guys." He says and give a little wave.

"The reason why we record this video together today is because you probably have noticed that both Shawn and I have been absent from social media the last couple of weeks. The reason for that..."- suddenly I don't know if this is such a good idea. Me telling something so private is going in contradiction with my feelings. I shake the feeling off and take a breath. "The reason for that is because we had to process... umm."- I just doesn't seem to get the word out. Knowing what happened is one thing but actually saying it out loud, to the entire world is another.

Shawn squeezes my hand in his. He knows how much I am struggling with this. We both are.

"We had to proces the loss of our baby."- Shawn says, taking it over for me. To be honest, I have never been more grateful for him. I need a moment to recollect myself. I stare at my hands as I listen to Shawn giving a summary of what went down. "It was just after Christmas. We had spent the holidays with our families back home in Canada. Rose went back to LA because friends of ours would fly in to spend New Years with us and I first had a performance in New York before I would join them again. The whole flight to New York I had this weird feeling. I couldn't really explain what it was but the further I flown away from LA, so from Rose, that feeling was getting worse and worse."- this is the first time I hear this story as well. He never told me this. "I was just about to start my third song of the setlist, when I saw Andrew, my manager, standing on the sidelines waving for me to come over. In all the years that we have worked together, he has never interrupted one single show of mine. Not once. So, I knew that something was terribly wrong if he would do something like that. The look he had on his face..."- I watch Shawn attentively. He stops for a second and swallow. "When he said her name. I just knew that..." a single tear rolls down his cheek. My heart breaks for him.