Roses Diary [S.M]

Hooked on a feeling

"Can't sleep?." Shawn mutters in his sleepy voice as he rolls over towards me.

The last time I looked on the clock, it was 5.23 am. So, it is probably now 5.24 am. I have been staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep because my mind wouldn't shut off.

In a couple of hours we are going to find out if the little bean in my belly is a boy or a girl. You would think that I am excited to find out and I am but it also brings a lot of insecurities with it. I don't even know how to explain it, but finding out the sex of the baby makes it so much more real, you know? Of course I am aware that I have been carrying a baby in my belly for the past 15 weeks but finding out if its a he or she, makes it so much more real.

And of course, along the realization comes questions. What if it is a boy? Will he think that I am cool enough? I mean, I have no idea how to play football or ride a motor. I am too girly for all that type of things. Then again, what if it is a girl and she and I will have the same difficult relationship as I have with my mom? I don't want that for my child. I am not even a mother yet and I am already so worried about the stupidest things.

"Hey, did I wake you?." I turn on my side and look at Shawn his face. We like to keep the curtains open in our bedroom, so the moonlight lights up our bedroom.

"No you didn't."- he gives me a small smile. "I cannot sleep as well."

"Oo really.. what's on your mind?."

"I asked you first." He jokes as he push a strain of hair away that hangs in front of my eyes.

"I was just thinking about the baby, the party and stuff."

"And? Excited."

I slowly nod my head. "Also nervous. It is getting real."

"What are you nervous about?."

"Nothing really. It's just stupid." Just my insecure thoughts. Nothing new.

"Talk to me baby. I never find anything that leaves your mouth or clouds your thoughts stupid. So, talk to me."

"Just thinking about what if it is a boy or when it is a girl."

"Well, it is either one of them." He jokes. Trying to make me smile. I appreciate his attempt though. "But what about it baby?."

"Well, what if it is a boy? I know nothing about sports or playstations. What if I am not cool enough to be a boys mom?."

"Not cool enough? Any kid would be lucky if you were to be their mom. Maybe you know nothing about sports but you will be the hot soccer mom that all the dads fancy." He is just playing. He is not taking it seriously.

"Never mind." I roll my eyes at him and look back to the ceiling.

"Sorry."- he chuckles playfully." I am just joking, but I meant what I said. It doesn't matter if you do not know any sports or games or whatever, this baby is so lucky to have you."- he lifts my nightdress up and caress my baby bump. "We both are."

"You have to teach me the rules of any game if it a boy. I am not prepared to be a boy's mom."

"You know how to cook. Boys love to eat. We are a team. Let me worry about the sports part and you do the cooking. We both know I cannot cook for shit."

I chuckle in response and nod my head. That is true. Boys love to eat and cooking is something that I can do.

"And boys are mostly momma's boys, so the kid will adore you no matter what. Sports of no sports."

"Okay Dr. Phill, what if it is a girl and she and I will have the same relationship as me and my mom have?."

"Well, that will never happen." He pulls me closer to him.