Roses Diary [S.M]

Lost

Hi babies,

First of, I want to thank you all so much for the enormous amount of response to the last few chapters! I really love it when I hear from you guys! Makes me really happy!

I will be gone for 2,5 weeks, visiting the States. Looking for different universities! I don't know if I will have any time to write, but I will try my hardest!

If not, I will talk to you guys soon!

All the love, M.

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My head hurts like hell. It feels like I have been hit by a truck or something. My brain is alert but my body isn't. I can hear voice. After a second or 2, I register the voice as Shawn's voice. He is on the phone.

S: "She was having a panic attack and the doctors put her out for a bit. I don't know what to do, mom." He sounds sad. Extremely sad. I really want to hold him and tell him that everything is going to be fine but my body wouldn't just wake up.

S: "It was horrible to see her like that. I feel so bad that she had a panic attack because she was afraid for my reaction. It's my... fault." he says sobbing. O my baby. I want to tell him that it's not but darkness takes over again.

The next time I wake up, I feel a lot of presence in the room. "How long has she been out for?." Scott? Yeah, that is definitely Scott his voice.

"Almost 3 hours. They are keeping her down for a bit longer. She has lost quite some blood and this way the doctors said that her body can recover a bit faster." My baby... he sounds so tired. Why wouldn't he just go home?

"That's probably for the best. Have you called her parents yet or should I do it?."

"No, I will call them. The least I can do is let them know in person what is going with their daughter." My parents?! God, no! I don't want then to know. They will jump in a plane immediately. I do not want them to come!

"Yes, I think you are right." Scott mumbles. "Hey, you shouldn't blame yourself, okay? A miscarriage is something that just happens. There is nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. This pregnancy was not meant to happen."

"I just don't want her to blame herself... she thinks..."- Shawn's voice slowly fades. No, no, no and I slowly slide into darkness again.

"Baby..." the darkness disappears and an angelic voice enters my ears. It belongs to Shawn. "I don't know if you can hear me but I just..."- he lift my hand up and cup my hand in both of his. "It's not your fault, okay? You should not blame yourself..."

A soft sob leaves his mouth. I hear him breath in a out, trying to steady his voice.

"I am sorry..."- he is sorry? For what? He didn't do anything. "I am so sorry, baby. I should have been there for you. I should have been by your side when it happened. I failed you." He says through his tears. "Please, forgive me." Baby...

I desperately trying to wake up but it feels like I am trapped inside my own body. My brain works but my body feels numb.

"I love you so much, Rose. So much. When I heard you were taken to the hospital by ambulance... I thought that I lost you. A part of me died when I thought I had lost you. A part of my heart... gone. No, screw that. My whole heart died at that moment. There would have been no way for me to life further if I had lost you because, baby... you are my heart. You are my air, my strength, my heartbeat. You give me life. You are everything to me..." I can feel his tears on my hands as he press his head against our connected hands.