Roses Diary [S.M]

Surprise

"And that is basically the whole story how we ended up here in Amsterdam..."- I speak to my vlog camera as I hold it up in the air, recording myself.

The morning when I woke up, I felt like it was time again to start recording for my YouTube channel. Over the past couple of months, I didn't really record anything for YouTube. The only videos that were posted on my channel were old recorded videos from earlier. I of course didn't stopped completely. I mean, I have filmed every stage of my pregnancy but other than that, I have been pretty MIA from anything that was social media related. I needed the time to rest, find strength and renewed energy again because honestly, I was close to losing my shit and step out of this how publicly thing at all.. but like I said, Amsterdam has done wonders for my mental state, as well as Shawn's mental health. We are back and ready for whatever life throws at us again. So yeah, I felt good enough to pick up the camera again and since Shawn has left to work out in the gym downstairs, I had some free time on my hands.

I sit down on our bed in the master and sigh... "and of course..."- I change the angle of the camera and film my large baby bump. "This peanut is about to make its entrance to this world, so I definitely had to get my shit together before the baby came along." I am planning on sending this to Jace later this week, and I do not want people to find out about the gender of the baby yet. I am willing to share with the outside world but I am controlling how much. I am trying to protect him as best as I can and it doesn't feel good to share too much. At least not yet.

31 weeks... I mean, where did the time go? It feels like yesterday when I founded out I was pregnant in the bathroom of Anna's. It was after a big fight with Shawn and I was scared shirtless to tell him when I returned back home that morning. Damn.. good memories.

"What else is there to tell?." I point the camera back to my face as I lay down on the bed. This feels good. I am probably going to take a nap after this. Cooking a bean is very exhausting. "O yeah, it is Shawn's birthday tomorrow. He doesn't know that I have invited all our close friends and family to spend his birthday with us here in Amsterdam so, that is going to be real fun when he finds out." Other then my family, we haven't seen non of our friends and Shawn's side of the family over the past 2 months. Of course we have stayed in touch but everyone but I guess everyone knew how much we needed this time for just the two of us and the pretty much let us be. I really appreciate them for doing that but now it has been long enough and I cannot wait to see everyone again. Especially Anna and Brain's new born boy Joe and Aaliyah. Aaliyah is better though. She still has some recovery to do and has to take it easy but other then that, she is back to her normal self. Which is of course a big relief.

So, like I said I invited everyone to spend his birthday with us. It is starting with a dinner tonight. He thinks it is just going to be the two of us but little does he know that all everyone is waiting for us there to celebrate his birthday once the clock hits midnight. My dude is going to be 23. I remember when he got rejected to enter a bar in Ireland, I believe, because he was not 21 yet. Yeah, fun times. When I think back of that time and compare it to the situation we are now in at the moment, our relationship has matured so much. Back then, we just to fight and argue about every little thing. The main reason for all the fighting was I think that we didn't knew each other that well. That lead to the both of us feeling afraid to lose one another, and that turned into jealousy and insecurity. On both sides. And we all know how stupid we can be when we are feeling jealous and insecure.

At this moment, I have never felt more secure and good about where I am in life as I do now. It feels like every piece of the puzzle is slowly falling into place. My relationship is going great, my mental state is a lot better, the direction I want to go business wise... It slowly all comes together. My mom says that it is because I am about to become a mom. I don't know if that is the reason but I know he was at least the push I needed to get my life in check.