Roses Diary [S.M]

Heavy blow

"Hi guys... I umm..."- I take a deep breath to steady my breath as the lump in my throat starts to form again.

It is the 5th time that I have been trying to record this vlog. Apparently, a lot of my fans liked the more person videos I had posted on my YouTube channel and they have been constantly asking me to not only film new recipes and my workouts but also videos about my daily routine. This morning, when I woke up, I thought why the hell not. I felt good, positive but little did I knew that this day would take a different turn. I am broken inside.

"I know that some of you were expecting a vlog about my daily activities but I have to talk to you guys about something. Because this is my reality at the moment. I know that most of you have seen the pictures of me and this little girl... Abigail is her name."- Abigail's mom has, like she said she would, posted them on Instagram. I never really understood how but within 10 minutes, the pictures were spread out over all Social Media. "Her mother contacted Scott about Abby. It turned out that Abby was a big fan of me and she had asked if I could visit her for her birthday, that she had to spend in the hospital because of this horrible illness..."- The tears are slowly begin to stream down my cheeks. I do not have to look at myself in the camera to know that I look horrible.

"Abby and I have spend quite some time together over the course of the past few months. I loved spending time with her. Even in the weeks that were hard for me after the miscarriage, going to hospital to visit Abby always cheered me up. Abby was so full of life. When I was with her, she made me forget about everything else that was going on. Her bubbly character always put a smile on my face..."-

I shake my head as I look back up into the lens of the camera.

"I was suppose to go see her this Friday. We were supposed to do a 'fashion' show. Abby loved fashion and she made me promise to bring all the sparkly clothes I could find in my closet with me so, that she could try them on, because she loved the twinkling so much."- life is so unfair. "But today, just when I was setting up my camera to film whatever I was doing, I got a call... from Abigail's mother..."

"Camera. Check. Good lighting. Check." Scott called me this morning and basically forced me to make a little vlog about my daily life. Apparently, people think that it is really interesting what I do on a daily basis and want to see more than just the cooking videos that I make. And because I own everything I have to my fans, is the reason why I said yes.

I mean, how bad can it be?

Luckily, nobody is home at the moment. Shawn took our sisters out for some shopping. How they convinced him to go along, I have no idea but right now, it comes in handy that I am alone. If I fuck up or suck at making a vlog, nobody will see or know about it.

I do have to be quick though. Shawn said before he left that he has a surprise for me, when he gets back. They have been gone for about 3 hours now. So, knowing the patience Shawn has when it comes to shopping, I expect them to be back soon. So, there is no time to lose.

I grab my camera and look at myself in the little screen. Why is it, that this camera is always so blurry? I mean, it is not like this camera is cheap. For that price you would expect that the quality and the features on this camera are good as well.

When finally my camera is focused and you can actually see me, my phone rings. I roll my eyes. "Typical" I mumble to myself.

I am about to ignore the call, it is not like I do not get cals all day long. Sometimes I think that my phone is connected to a customer service point.

But the name on the display catches my eye.
Alexandra Simons is calling...

Why is Abigail's mom calling me? I wasn't suppose to meet up with them until later this week, right?