today hasn't been a good day.
i've been eating all day and i've cried so much that my eyes are puffy. i've been in my room all day and my mom tried to talk to me but i can't talk, i just cry and cry and cry. i hate myself.
i finish my last bag of doritos and then head to my bathroom. i wash my hands and then dry them, opening the toilet lid and sticking my fingers down my throat.
i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. the food that i have eaten today all comes out and i feel good, i feel like i have accomplished something. i try again to get all of the food out of my system and the food just comes gushing out uncontrollably. i cant stop it. i am not in control. my vomit just keeps coming out.
soon, it stops. my head is hurting and i feel faint.
i throw myself back into bed and cry - i should stop crying because my eyes are so red and puffy but i don't care. this is making me better. i feel worthless.
i want to end my life.
everyone will be better without me, my mom, hayden, josh, alexa and jack.
jack caught me a few months back, making myself sick and he didn't speak to me for weeks. he only spoke to me after my mom told his mom about my suicide attempt and then we spoke again. i know he loves me and only wants me to get better but maybe i can't get better . i tried and tried to get better , for everyone but i just can't.
when the rumours were going around that me and jack were "dating" , we really weren't. jack is gay but he hasn't come out yet - i've never had feelings for him but everyone else seemed to think so. i remember feeling so emotionally drained and i wanted to die. i was going to. but i never. i need to learn that i can't do this every time things get hard.
my dad is the cause of this.
he used to call me fat and ugly.
tell me i need to lose some weight.
and then he left and left my mom with his children and left me with depression and an eating disorder.
what a sick bastard.
~
~
hero;
good morning beautiful
read.
are you okay?
read.
i can see you've read my messages, i hope you're okay.
me;
hi.
uhm im sorry.
i've had a bad day.
you're probably asleep i mean
it is 2am
i hope you're having a good sleep
hero;
i'm not asleep.
do you want to talk about it?
me;
uh sure
hero;
meet me at your house.
i'll be there in 20
get dressed if you want
read.
i wonder where we're going. i rush downstairs, my mom is getting some water.
"why're you still awake, get to bed" she whispers putting the bottle down on the island.
"i'm going to meet hero" i say, sitting down on one of the chairs.
"at this time?"
"is it okay?" i ask her, just in case.
"yes, please stay safe. i know you've had a bad day - i think you need to go out" my mom says, kissing me on my forehead.
my mom goes to the money jar and gives me £10 out of the jar.
"if you want anything" she says
"i love you so much mom" i reply hugging her.
my mom goes back upstairs to bed and i head to the bathroom, brush my hair through and put it up into a pony tail - he won't care what i look like.
i'm in joggers and a jumper so i don't need to change - my eyes are so red.
i hear my phone ping twice.
hero;
i'm here
are you ready?
me;
yes
read.
