last month was kieran's funeral, the kids are back with josephine and i now - i don't think they understand that kieran is dead. i don't know how to explain to them properly, i miss him. i miss the times where i'd take him with me to the store to get one thing but i'd end up buying him whatever he wanted because i would never ever be able to say no to him.
i'm sitting in bed, i haven't moved from here since yesterday. i haven't spoken to anyone properly in a few months, i can't. i am broken, i'll never be the same. sophia's death broke, josephine's suicide attempts and everything else.
i can't imagine the pain josephine is in, i have pushed her away and i've done it so much she's not trying with me anymore, i want our relationship back. i miss the kids as well, they've been trying to make me happy and josephine has a fake smile plastered across her face around the kids - when their at school, we don't talk to each other, i haven't touched her in months, i haven't kissed her in months, i haven't made love to her for months.
with adam and the twins, i haven't spent time with them or had a conversation with them, i haven't spoken to noah, i know he came to the funeral but i didn't speak to him. i haven't spoken to anyone. i'm pushing everyone away because i feel like it's the best thing for me, i don't want to get hurt again. i hate this. i hate it.
i look up at the clock which seems like it hasn't moved in hours, 7pm. i sigh and close my eyes, i might need to eat some time soon because my body feels weak. i hear footsteps coming up the stairs, i keep my eyes closed because it's not like i'm going to talk.
the door creaks open, i open my eyes and belle is standing at the door.
"daddy" she says, i look at my daughter and nod at her
"mommy is asking if you want some dinner" she tells me and i shake my head.
my daughter climbs onto the and hugs me, i hug her back.
"i still love you very much and i want the old daddy back" she says, and leaves the bedroom - closing the door behind her.
"i miss the old me too" i mumble to myself.
about twenty minutes later, i lay back down and try to get back to sleep but then i hear the door open again, i look toward the door and it's adam. he looks different, it's been a while since i looked at him properly - he's grown.
"hi dad" my son says, climbing onto the bed. adam sits next to me, where josephine usually sleeps and looks up at me.
"can you take me to see kieran please?" he asks me and my heart shatters
"i miss him and uh i wanted to show him the lego set i build" my son adds
"okay" i mumble, wow that felt weird.. talking
"so can we go?"
"adam. kieran is dead" i reply bluntly
he looks at me with furrowed brows and tilts his head.
"why?" my son asks
"because he's fucking dead, he's not coming back" i shout, i wasn't supposed to shout but i did.
adam leaves the room, crying his eyes out and i immediately feel disgusted at myself, why would i shout at him like that? he only misses his little brother.
josephine comes into the room and slams the door behind her, she looks angry - i don't turn my head to look at her but i can see her from the corner of my eye.
"hero why the fuck would you say that to a SIX year old" she whisper-shouts
"because it's true" i reply without looking at her, if i look at her - i will breakdown.
"you're pushing your kids away, forget about me for a second. the kids, they're growing up and you're doing this?" she asks and leaves the room; my wife slams the door behind her and i sigh.
i'm crying again.
~
i stand up from the bed and my head is spinning, i think i need to go down and eat something. i'm going to speak to josephine today, i'm done pushing her away - she doesn't deserve that, she needs someone and that someone is supposed to me.
i walk down the stairs, i hold on the side and i go into the kitchen - i take out a bottle of water and drink it all in one go, i feel a little better. i go over to the fruit bowl and there's a plate with food on it - with a note on top of the place. i pick the note up so i can read it properly; i left you some dinner again, i hope you like it or maybe you won't eat it like the other days and it'll just go in the bin, it's your favourite tonight.~ i love you x
a smile grows on my face for the first time in weeks, the feeling is so foreign. it's shepard's pie.. my favourite. i put it in the microwave oven for a minute and grab a fork from the drawer - before the minute is over i open the microwave and take the plate out because i don't want it to make a loud beeping sound and wake everyone.
i sit down at the table and eat the food my wife made for me, it tastes so good. i wish i could've eaten it with her, to tell her how it's the best meal i've ever eaten - i've said that sentence countless times because josephine's cooking is my favourite and no one will ever compare.
i take my plate to the sink and wash it, i dry my hands and i see josephine walking down the stairs. my heart aches at the sight of her beautiful face, she's wearing one of my hoodies. she sits down on the couch and i sit down on the other couch because i don't want to invade her personal space.
"hi" is all i manages to come out of my mouth
"hero stop hurting me, stop hurting the kids and stop hurting yourself" she says to me and my body relaxes at the sound of her beautiful voice. i lift myself off of the sofa and place my body next to hers.
"i'm sorry" i mumble and put my arms around her.
"you need to stop doing this"
"i know" i murmur
"we're going to do this together" my wife says to me and takes my hand in hers.
"i don't think i can take this pain anymore" i admit
"don't say that hero"
jo cups my face in her hands and looks me in the eye, i admire her eyes and they look broken - she looks broken, the only thing keeping her going is our children.
"i need you" she tells me and kisses my forehead.
