hero's pov;
i'm cleaning out jo' and i room today - and i'm going through our old memories, all of our old pictures, date receipts, cinema tickets and the rest. i think looking at all of these is making me fall in love with josephine even more, i genuinely thought after she found out about the bet - when we got back together i thought we'd be together for what.. another two weeks? but we are here years later with a baby.
i push aside a empty box, that'll go in the bin. i pull another one of the cardboard boxes toward me and look through it, there's a letter. it says my name on it but i've never seen it before - it's in josephines writing. my eyebrows furrow because i don't know what it is - i take out the paper from the envelope and it's a hand written letter.
hero,
hi baby. so when you're reading this i'll be dead.. i'll be gone and i know you're hurting so badly and i'm so fucking sorry. i didn't mean to hurt you but i can't handle this pain anymore, it's too much for me. i carry too much with me and i needed to go from here. i know you miss me, i miss you too. i miss the way you annoy me and i miss the way that you used to make me genuinely happy.
i know one day, you're going to forget about me and that's okay. i want you to find the love of your life, i know it wasn't me - so find someone else my love. find someone beautiful, with a beautiful soul and someone who you love everything about from the way that they drink their coffee to the way that they laugh at your dumb jokes. when you find the love of you life, i'm asking one thing from you. please do not hurt her. do not fuck it up. she loves you and i would never want anyone to be in as much pain as i was in, so treat her right - i know you will because you treated me so good and i will always be watching over you and smiling.
you probably think i'm selfish for leaving you .. and i am. i left you, i left my mom, josh, hayden, alexa, jack and everyone who was good to me. i couldn't cope. my head was never in the right place and my heart was in your hands, the night that i killed myself was because of my dad. i had a dream that he beat me up again, he beat me black and blue like he used to do when i was younger and then he raped me. i got raped by my dad. no one knows but i guess you do now. please don't tell my mom now, if you're reading this soon after my death - wait a few months.
i fell in love with you when i started school, i was always too scared to talk to you because i would see you every week with a new girl - jack would always tell me that you would be interested in me but i never actually listened to jack because looking at the girls you were with every week, i was nothing compared to them - i didn't have a nice body.. or a pretty face. so i'm not sure where we go from there but i fell in love with you and i have been in love with you for years - so this experience with you hero was a dream come true, i loved every minute, every second. i loved your attention - oh and i ask one thing, take my necklace from my room and keep it somewhere. - i know i told you to forget about me but just keep the necklace. the necklace with my ring on it, i put it in my drawer with the lamp on it - i put it there before i killed myself, you can wear it if you want - only until you meet the love of your life. i know you will find her, you are perfect.
anyway, i don't want to talk about that. after you have read this and it might be years, months.. weeks even. but after you have read this, burn it. i want you to forget that i existed and i want you to go about your life like i was never there. i was just a small part of your life and i am easy enough for you to forget about. i know you probably thought you loved me.. you never. i promise you never, because no one is capable of loving me. i am worthless and i am pathetic. i hate myself.
this is the end of my letter hero,
goodbye my superhero,
i love you, forever and always.
-
i am fucking sobbing, my eyes are red and my tears have wet the page. this is from when she was about to commit. this is from before one of her attempts - i fucking hate myself. i shove all the boxes away and i put the letter away too, i go into our room and i get into bed - where josephine is with adam. adam is in his cot and jo is watching suits.. again.
"what's wrong?" josephine sits up and turns the tv off.
i don't say anything i just sob into her chest.
"please don't leave me jo" i mumble against her chest as i cry my eyes out.
"i would never" she says, pushing my hair back from my face and kissing my forehead
"i love you hero fiennes tiffin"
"i love you too" i mumble against her
i feel so hurt.. imagine she left me. imagine she had killed herself, i don't know how i would've coped. i know it's old but fuck. her last attempt was 5 years ago, so it's very old. i cant believe her dad raped her, i feel sick. i feel sad, i feel so many fucking things right now but i need to focus on my fiancée and my son.
