today is our last full day here and i'm sad that our honeymoon is coming to an end but i'm excited to have the kids back and be in our own home. we're not doing much today, i'm tired from yesterday and i think hero is as well - we went on a jet ski thing, i had fun though but today we said we'd just stay in the hotel. i just ordered breakfast to the room, i ordered pancakes with nutella and fruit for hero and i got a croissant with some berries. i also ordered some hash browns and sausages for us both.
"good morning" i say to my husband who is rubbing his eyes, i smile at him because he looks so cute in the morning.
hero groans and rests his head on my chest.
"i ordered breakfast" i tell him and he smiles at me.
i run my fingers through his hair and we sit in silence for a little and then i hear a knock on the door. hero moves his head from my chest and i climb out of bed and open the door, there's a man who's dressed up in a suit and there's a tray in his hand. he hands me the tray.
i mumble a thank you and close the door behind me. i put the tray on heros lap - he's sitting up now and i climb back into bed.
we're eating our breakfast now and it's really nice, i must admit - i'm going to miss the food here when we go back home. hopefully one day we can come here with the kids, they'd love it.
"you're so beautiful" hero says to me as he takes a bite of his strawberries.
"thank you" i say.
"do you think we're gonna have anymore kids?" hero asks me
i shake my head, i don't want anymore kids - i'm happy with my children.
"why not?"
"because we have four children" i remind him
"we could always have another"
i laugh at his comment, i don't think i'd be able to cope with another child - as much as i love my four babies, i don't think i can have another.
"it's too much we'll end up with a football team of kids"
"true"
"and if we have another kid, we'd have to move out and i don't want to" i tell my husband
"can we get a dog?" i ask, i've always wanted a dog and the kids would love it if they had a pet.
"no" hero says
i look at him with soft eyes and hope that my puppy dog eyes are enough to make him give in, he knows how much i've wanted a dog.
"please?" i ask again
"ugh you know i can't say no to you" he says to me, kissing my cheek
"does that mean i can get a dog?"
he nods at me and i giggle excitedly.
"the kids are gonna be so happy" i tell him
he kisses my cheek, and rests his head back on my chest.
we finished our breakfast and now we're sitting in the sun, it's my last day to get a tan. hero is laying on the sun bed to me, it's nice sitting in the sun - there's a light breeze and it's not too hot so i can sit in the sun.
"i'm excited to see the kids tomorrow" my husband says to me.
"i know i've missed their little faces so much"
i think these last two weeks, hero and i have realised the kids are literally our life - it's weird without them and i miss them all so much.
"i've got a hospital appointment when we get back" i tell hero
"oh what for?"
"eating disorder check up, blood test, heart scan and all the rest"
"do you want me to come with you?"
"i'm okay, i'll take my mom with me or alexa" i tell him.
i'm scared to be honest, my eating disorder has gotten worse. it wasn't as bad as before but it's bad, i've been vomiting twice a day, i'm getting dizzy again and my heart feels like it's beating too fast. i don't want to be ill again and i need to think of kieran, adam and isabelle and camila. i don't think i can get better for myself, i need to get better for them because if i try to get better for myself i don't think i'm going to recover fully, i'm fed up of this illness - i wish i never had it. it has taken over so many good things in my life and it makes me so upset that i've lost so much because of this illness.
i don't want my children to end up without a mother because if i carry on - i will die. i don't want to die, not anymore, my children need me. hero needs me.
"hero"
hero looks up at me and takes off his sunglasses, my heart is beating out of my chest. i need to tell him this because it's going to hurt him even more if i tell him later. i rest my hand on my knees to stop my legs from shaking.
"what's wrong?" he asks me, my heart hurts even more.
"i'm purging again" i mumble
he doesn't say anything, his eyes are welling up.
hero puts his arms around me and i start crying, i'm fed up.
"i'm sorry" i mumble.
"don't say sorry" hero says and kisses my forehead.
"we're gonna get through this together" he adds.
i hate putting him through this.
