it's four in the morning, everyone is asleep and i need to pee again. as i pull down my underwear i see the yellowy liquid i got when i was giving birth to adam. i start getting cramps and then i realise - they're contractions.
this shouldn't be happening, i need to wake hero up. we need to go to the hospital NOW. i put a pad down on my underwear and wash my hands. im calling jack, i don't know what to do. i pick up my phone and ring him - he picks up straight away which is good
"jack help me i think i'm in labour"
"wake hero up" he says to me
"can i drop adam at yours please?" i ask him,
"yeah, me and liam will look after him - go to the hospital" he tells me
"i'm going to tell him, i'll see you in a bit. bye i love you" i say before hanging up the phone
i go down the hallway to our bedroom and i get another contraction.
"fuck" i mumble, rubbing my stomach.
i open our closet and take out some leggings and an oversized tshirt, i quickly take off my pyjamas and then i put my other clothes on. i walk over to our bed, i need to wake hero up.
"hero" i whisper, he doesn't move.
i'm going to have to fucking scream to get this man awake, if the house was on fire - he'd still be dead asleep.
"hero get the fuck up" i say, my voice is normal because i don't want to wake adam up yet.
"ouch fuck" i say leaning on the bed. another contraction. i'm in labour, i can tell.
"hero i swear to god get the fuck up right now" i say again, finally he moves.
he rubs his eyes and after a few minutes he sits up.
"what?" he asks me, his voice is raspy and he's half asleep.
"i think i'm in labour we need to go to the hospital"
hero jumps out of bed.
"what's wrong?"
"i'm getting contractions and i have this fluid coming out of me but i know i had it when i was giving birth to adam" he nods.
he goes to the closet and puts on a t-shirt and some shorts - he slips his slides on.
"wear your slides, i don't want your feet hurting" hero says to me, which warms my heart
"i'm going to get adams stuff ready" i say
"where's he going?"
"jacks, i already rang and asked. pack him two pairs of clothes, pyjamas, nappies and there's a small box of formula power for his milk in his room"
hero goes to adams room and puts all adams things in a bag and puts it down on our bed.
"his pacifier" i remind him
he nods.
hero goes back into adams room and picks him up from the bed. fuck i have another contraction.
"ow" i mumble
i rub my belly because i don't want to be in labour.
-
adam is at jacks house, liam and jack are going to put him back to sleep which is good. we're at the hospital now, i was put in the labour section but that haven't told me if i'm actually dilated. a nurse comes into the room,
"ms langford?" she asks and i nod.
"i'm here to check how much you've dilated".
she checks me from my vagina and her facial expressions aren't very good, i look over to hero who is holding my hand in his - he's trying to comfort me.
"you're nine centimetres, you need to start pushing" she says to me, her voice is serious.
a load of doctors come into the room and i push, i'm silent - i'm in pain but i stay quiet. i push one more time.
"this is the last push" one of the doctors
i push my hardest and i feel a release, the baby has come out. but it's not crying, it's not making a noise. the doctors pick the baby up and put it on the table where the light is shining in it. why is it not crying?
"what's wrong with the baby?" hero asks.
one of the doctors turn around with sadness in their eyes.
"i'm sorry, your daughter didn't make it"
-
those were the five words i never wanted to hear. ever.
i haven't said anything to hero, i cried. and cried and now i cant cry anymore - our baby girl is dead. we had a daughter, this is all my fault.
"hero" i say
he looks at me and his eyes are soft.
"i'm sorry" i mumble
"this isn't your fault" he says to me, kissing my hand.
my hand is still in his, we haven't spoke much - this is the most we've spoken. hero didn't cry, he just looks numb. he looks like he's in so much pain and i can't handle this.
