i'm 6 months pregnant now, this pregnancy has been so beautiful and i feel so beautiful. hero is being the best as always.
"good morning" i say to my two year old son as he jumps out of his bed.
"mor-ing" he replies to me, my heart swells - he can't say 'good morning' properly.
we both go to the kitchen and i put him up in his high chair and get out half a banana from yesterday and some strawberries from the fridge, i cut up the fruit into small pieces and put it on the little table that is attached to his high chair, i smoothen down his soft hair as it's sticking up.
i put myself a slice of bread in the toaster and i grab the butter from the fridge, i look over to check if adam is okay- he's eating his fruit. adam loves fruit which is good because not a lot of kids like fruit, hayden didn't.
hero walks into the kitchen, he looks tired. i press the button for my toast to pop up and i take the slice of toast out and put some butter in it. i sit down at the table and take a bite of my toast, adam is still eating but he eats slowly so it's not a surprise to me.
"are you hungry?" i ask my fiancé
"no" he replies, i shrug - he can make his own food.
adam is playing with his toys, im washing the dishes and hero is still sitting in the same place he was half an hour ago. as i dry my hands, i look over my shoulder to analyse his face.
"what's wrong?" i ask him, my voice is gentle
"nothing" he replies bluntly
"there's obviously something wrong you've been sitting there for 30 minutes hero"
"nothing is fucking wrong" his voice is harsh, it scares me.
i leave him to it because i'm not about to argue with him for no reason. ten minutes later, he moves to the sofa but not the sofa that i'm sitting on. adam walks over to him and smiles, hero doesn't say anything.
"dada" adam says clapping his hands
"he's fucking talking to you" i say to hero
hero looks over at me, i don't know what the fuck is wrong with him but it's pissing me off because adam didn't do anything to him.
"i know he's talking to me"
"come here baba" i say to my son.
i swear to god if adam gets upset i'm going mad at hero.
adam walks over to me and i sit him beside me, he has a small teddy in his hand and he's in his own world.
"what's wrong?" i ask him once more.
"i don't know why the FUCK you keep asking me" hero says, he's shouting now.
my eyes sting and adam starts crying, i hold back my tears and pick adam up. this is reminding me of when my dad used to beat my mom up in front of me, josh and alexa and alexa always had to take us away and distract us whilst our mom was getting beaten up.
hero would never lay a finger on me.
i take adam to his room and i slam the door behind me, i sit with adam in there. i lay down on his bed, he has a single bed now because he's too big for a crib and he said that he's a "big boy and big boys need big beds" .
i stare at the ceiling with a million things rushing through my head as my son is there, with no clue with what's going on. and that's when i feel the baby kick, i rub my belly gently - to let it know i'm here. this should've been a moment that hero and i shared but no he's downstairs acting like a dickhead.. and that's when i realised.
it's his brothers death anniversary.
fuck. hero's brother killer himself a few years back, im pretty sure it's six years today. i feel so bad for not remembering but he could've reminded me - we went to his grave last year with hero's mom and dad, adam was with alexa because we didn't think he needed to go but we took him on christmas.
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the day goes by pretty quickly, i went downstairs with adam to give him lunch and hero was still staring at the four walls. i think he needs to be left alone.
i made hero lunch but he didn't eat it which broke my heart a little, i didn't eat lunch because i was too upset about hero being angry at me. adam fed me a slice of cheese and then asked why i'm not eating - he is such a kind boy.
i went down at dinner, adam had dino nuggets and cucumber sticks - not the healthiest but he said he wanted them so the boy gets what he wants. when i went down for dinner, i had a glass of cranberry juice - the baby kicked again which made me smile. my days been pretty shit, apart from the baby kicking and adam being a cheeky little monkey.
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it's 1am, adam is asleep. hero is still downstairs, he's moved from where he was - he's on the other sofa. i go downstairs and sit beside him.
"hero" i whisper to him, he turns to look at me
"i'm sorry, i forgot it was nathan's death anniversary"
he just breaks down into tears and i hug him, i hate seeing him like his.
"do you want to talk about it?" i ask him
-
we stayed up all night, ordered chipotle and we sorted everything out - he said sorry for shouting at me, he's going to apologise to adam in the morning but now i understand why he did it. he also apologised because he didn't get to feel the baby kicking today, it's fine though. it'll kick again.
"goodnight i love you" i say to him, kissing his lips softly
"goodnight ms fiennes tiffin, i love you more than you will ever ever know" he says to me and kisses me again.
i'm glad we're okay now.
