i haven't had my period in a while, hero thinks i've been on my period and i genuinely haven't gotten my period in a few months, i think i'm pregnant again but i really don't want to know because hero doesn't want another baby after sophia. we've had the conversation several times, about maybe just one more baby so adam can have a sibling and it's always the same answer - no. it makes me sad because i wanted two or three more but i guess i won't be getting that because of hero, sometimes i think he might leave me because i'm not pretty enough or i'm not skinny enough or i'm just not enough. sometimes i think that he can do better, and i wonder why the fuck he's sitting at home with me with a son. at twenty-five he's at home with me and adam, it makes me think sometimes maybe he should leave me for someone less problematic.
i think i need to face up to the fact that i'm pregnant which hero isn't going to love the idea of but he needs to learn to use a condom if he doesn't want me to get pregnant. i don't think we're having the wedding anytime soon at this rate, after this baby - well if i am pregnant then we need to get married, i don't want to rush it though .. it needs to be perfect.
we have some spare tests under the sink in the bathroom, i open the cabinet under the sink and there's two boxes of pregnancy tests but there's two in one box so i don't have to use both boxes. i take the tests out of the box and pee on both of the sticks - when i put the tests down on the counter thing but face them down so i can take lift them over when i want to. i pull up my shorts and flush the toilet, i wash my hands - longer than i should, to distract myself from the fact that i'm probably pregnant and hero is going to be so pissed off. why would he be pissed off though? we're having another baby, not all pregnancies will end like sophias - that was my fault.
i can hear adam and hero playing with lego. i don't think i can do this. i take a deep breath and turn the first test over.
positive
my heart drops, i don't know how to feel - maybe it was just that test. i turn the second test over.
positive.
fuck. how am i going to tell hero? i leave the tests on the counter, i need time to figure this out and go to where my fiancé and son are playing with lego. i sit on the bean bag and watch them play, a smile grows on my face watching them both, adam really missed his dad - i tried to fill the void of hero after sophia died but it wasn't enough, he wanted hero. i hope hero doesn't do the same thing when he finds out i'm pregnant.
"i'm going to the toilet bud" he says to our son and gets up off of the floor,
fuck. i left the pregnancy tests there, he's going to find out . my heart is racing the whole time he's in the bathroom and then i hear the door unlock.
"jo" he shouts from the other side of the hallway, fuck he's found them. i don't know what i'm going to do now - i mean it saved me from telling him myself i guess.
"coming" i shout back and walk to the bathroom, i'm not prepared for what he's about to say. he's sitting in our bedroom now, i think he has the tests in his hand or something i don't fucking know. all i know is that my heart is racing so fucking quickly. maybe i should have an abortion, he might leave us if i have this baby.
i sit down next to him and hang my legs off the bed.
"what's this?" he asks me
and there it was, the pregnancy test.
