it's been almost eight months since we lost sophia, her funeral was one of the most heartbreaking things ever - her coffin was tiny. i'm still so broken but i need to pretend for adam, adam didn't really understand when he told him - i think we'd have to tell him when he's older. i say we but hero has been so distant with me and adam. we don't sleep in the same bed anymore, he doesn't really talk to me - we haven't said "i love you" to each other in five months, we haven't had a proper conversation in five months. hero doesn't really bother with adam either, so it's just adam and i - adam sleeps with me because i don't like sleeping alone. hero has missed out on so many big things, adam is talking fully now - he can properly talk and he can properly walk. he's growing up so quickly and hero doesn't seem to want to pay attention, i tried to get hero to care for the first month but he didn't seem to want to have an interest in our son. adam keeps asking me "when is daddy going to be normal again?" and every time he asks, my heart breaks.
i think he's cheating on me, he's found someone better. that's why he's acting like this. i don't really care anymore now because he's hurt my son and he's hurt me. some days i expect him to talk to us again but no.
"lunch time!" i say to my son who is trying to climb up into the stool, i pick him up and sit him on there.
i give him his lunch, mini chicken cubes and broccoli and i eat some cucumbers and sour cream dip - i have lost a lot of weight and i'm trying not to get into my disordered eating patterns but it's happened. i look ill again according to my family and jack- well jack is my family. but you know. my psychiatrist suggested eating regularly instead of starving myself and then binging - causing me to purge because when i eat full meals i start making myself sick so i think small snacks is a good idea, i wonder if hero has noticed. he probably hasn't. i want us to go back to normal because maybe he can help me get back to normal and help me feel beautiful again, but no
he's too selfish.
i get it, we lost our daughter but i'm coping and i know he isn't but he's pushing me and adam away and adam didn't do anything - maybe he blames me for the death of sophia but adam DIDNT DO ANYTHING to him so i don't understand why he needs to hurt adam in the process. hero has missed adams first day at pre-scho, he knew that he started school on that day. it didn't bother with him and that really pissed me off.
i am no longer clean from self harm, i cut myself because hero and i had a massive argument and i wanted to kill myself again but then i only cut myself once because i heard my son talking and then i remembered i have a purpose in life and i'm not useless because adam needs me, and so does hero - i know we're not talking but i don't think he can cope with another loss in his life.
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it's late at night now, well late for adam. it's 10pm and i put him to sleep in his own bed because today i'm going to ask hero if adam and i should move out, there's no point in us living together and being ENGAGED if we don't talk - if adam and i move out, it's the end of hero and i. it took me a while to get adam to bed because he hadn't slept in his own bed in a very long time so i had to lay with him until he fell asleep.
i go into the kitchen and grab myself a bottle of water from our drink refrigerator, hero is watching tv. this is the norm now - adam and i go to sleep and then hero comes to the living room until fuck knows what time. i sit down next to him and hug him. if i have to be the one to talk to him first, i will because he is stubborn as fuck. he's rewatching suits. suits reminds me of when i was pregnant with adam - hero and i would watch it all day and i think that's why he's watching it because he didn't really like it but he'd watch it for me.
i rest my head on his shoulder and look up at him, he's still not looking at me.
"i love you" i blurt our
i am not ready to throw our relationship away because hero is stubborn as fuck.
"i love you too" he says to me, his voice is soft and he kisses my forehead which gives me butterflies - i haven't had any affection from him in over seven months and this is making me happy. so he still loves me..
i have so many things to ask him but i can ask them later.
i straddle him and his hands are rested on my loser back as my legs are around his waist.
he kisses my lips and this is a deep kiss, making my heart pound - this feels like our first time.
my back is on the sofa and hero is fitted between my legs, he sucks on my neck, causing a moan to leave my lips. he looks at me and i nod at him, giving him permission go take off my tank top, he peels off my top and he sucks on my boob, whilst massaging the other - i can feel his hard on underneath me and it's making me wet. fuck.
we're in our bed now so we have a lot of space, he hadn't been in here in months and it feels weird being in here with him. hero's head is in between my thighs, he flicks my clit with his tongue quickly - causing some to moan louder than before.
"fuck you taste so good" he says
i guess drinking all of that cranberry juice came to use.
jack always told me make up sex was the best sex, i believe him now..
