it's april now, adam is three now. his birthday wasn't big, it was just close family and we had lots of food but i think he liked it and he had fun. he's grown up so much and it hurts because my little boy is growing so quickly.. isabella and camila are two months old. it feels like they've grown up so much. hero and i are living in the same house, it's going as well it could go to be honest with you.
i don't know how living with your "ex-fiancé" is supposed to be great, it hurts me seeing him every morning and not being able to kiss him or rant to him about the things that are irritating. or the late nights, talking about the stupid things whilst stuffing our face with food. i miss it all, i miss us. sometimes i wonder if he's seeing anyone else but i don't think he is, i don't know and i need to keep telling myself that i don't care - i know i do care but once i stop loving him, i'll be okay.
i don't think the plan to stop loving him is going to work, he was my first kiss, my first time, the first person i properly opened to - yes i opened up to jack but not the way i told hero things - my first dance, my first date. the man who i have my children with, the man who i was and i still am so in love with. the man who promised me the world but broke me.
adam took some time adjusting to having two little sisters, he's such a good big brother - he loves holding them both and showing them tv shows that he likes even though they don't know what's going on. i can tell the difference between the twins because camila's eyes are identical to hero's and isabella's eyes are like adams - they're a mix of mind and hero's eye colour. i wonder if he has noticed that.
hero spends most of his time sitting with adam, if anything good has come out of this it's adam and hero getting even closer than before.
i'm making lunch for adam, i'm making him grilled cheese sandwich. i grab a pack of takis from the drawer and put it next to the plate. i take the sandwich out of the grill thing and put it on the plate and cut it into four small triangles because that's the only way he'll eat it. i remember when he was at jacks and he made adam a grilled cheese and adam wouldn't eat it until jack cut it the way i did which warms my heart because he only likes the way i cut it.
i'm not sure what i'm eating tonight, maybe an apple. i've stopping looking after myself - by that i mean i've stopped eating. after i had the twins, i decided that my body no longer has a purpose so it wouldn't matter if i starved myself
"dinner time bud" i shout, he puts down his controller and sits down on the table. i tuck his chair in because he's too small to do it himself, i put a kool aid pouch next to his plate and he blows me a kiss.
"thank you mommy it's very yummy" my son tells me, he has his dads charm. i would say he's going to be a heartbreaker but he will not be like his dad and hurt a woman.
i hear one of the twins crying on the baby monitor and i huff, because it's been a few months i'm okay being in the same room as hero so i guess it's better than nothing.
"i can go" he says to me awkwardly.
"can you feed one of them, i'll feed the other" i say to him, giving him a bottle of milk that i heated up before making adams food - i hold a bottle in my hand and go upstairs, hero follows behind me. i pick belle up out of the cot, that's what we call isabella.
i hold my daughter in my arms and sit on the bean pink bag, the bottle is in her mouth and she finishes it quickly - i burp her and then hold her in my arms for a little while longer, she falls asleep again. she'll probably stay asleep for the rest of the night, well i hope. when i put belle back in her cot, hero has already fed and hurled camila and surprisingly she's gone back to sleep as well. i'm glad that she's gone to sleep because she's more fussy than belle.
i go into the bedroom, i don't call it ours because it isn't ours - hero doesn't sleep in here, he said he wants me in here which was nice of him i guess, we still share bathroom though. i'm not sure why we do to be honest.
i sit down at my dressing table and i open the box that hold my necklaces. the one that hero brought me, years ago stands out to me the most. i pick it up out of the box and i put it on my neck, i clip it on at the back and tuck it under my tshirt. it hurts me because i want him so bad but i can't have him, he's just going to hurt me.
i go downstairs and adam has eaten all of his food and put his plate in the sink.
"ad" i shout, i think he's going to sleep now - it's early for him but i think he's tired since he woke up early
"mom i'm in my room"
i go back upstairs and hero goes downstairs.
"goodnight i love you" i say kissing my son on his forehead
"i love you too mommy" he says to me, cuddling up to his teddy.
-
i was sitting in bed but i wanted something to eat, i open the fridge and get some carrots and hummus out of the fridge. i sit on the island table thing and stare at the wall, i hear heros footsteps coming into the kitchen but i keep my focus at the wall. his eyes are red, like he's been crying. my eyebrows furrow at him and then i roll my eyes, i feel bad. i want to ask him what's wrong.
"oh you're wearing the necklace" he observes.
my face heats, i didn't realise that i didn't tuck it back in.
"uh yeah" i reply, i feel embarrassed.
he sits down on one of the chairs but not the chair closest to me which i feel a little relived about.
i still wear the ring he gave me, i hope he doesn't notice that either. he looks down at my hand and then his eyes widen slightly.
"i thought you would've thrown that out" he mumbles
"no it's a nice ring" i chuckle, this is the first 'conversation' i've had with him and i don't know how i feel about it.
