i called alexa, she's going to get the kids from school and she'll look after them until hero and i can go and get them. we're waiting on an ambulance, my chest feels heavy and all i can do is cry. hero is sitting next to me, he looks so numb - i know he's holding in his tears. kieran's lifeless body is rested in my arms, i lean down and kiss his forehead.
"i love you" i say in between sobs.
soon the paramedics get here, they're trying to resuscitate him.
"nothing" one of the paramedics say
"time of death 14:32" she says and i let out a loud sob.
my baby is dead.
-
we're in the hospital, they've taken kieran's body to do a post mortem. hero and i haven't spoken to each other, we just sit in a room - in silence. i've been crying for hours, i want to know how my son died. was it something i did?
i hear the door open and slam closed, i don't look up.
"parents of.. kieran fiennes tiffin?" someone says, i assume it's a doctor.
i lift my head from my hands and my assumption is correct, he has several papers in his hands - i'm not ready for whatever he's about to say.
"so the cause of your sons death was sudden infant death syndrome" he explains
"there was no initial health problems with kieran. his body will be released soon, you can see his body if you would like, if you are planning on a funeral - we will keep his body in the fridges until the funeral. i am sorry for your sons death" he adds, the doctor leaves some papers on the table - and leaves the room.
"i want to go home" i tell my husband and we leave.
the car ride home was in silence, hero asked me if i wanted something to eat but i never replied. we're at home now, my mom went to alexa's house to get the kids - she said she'll look after them at her house until we're okay, i don't know how i'm going to tell the kids. that they're little brother is never coming back, i don't want to break their hearts but they'll start asking where he is.
hero is sitting on the couch, staring at the wall - we've been doing this for hours. i don't think pushing each other away is going to make any of this better, i know whenever something bad happens hero finds it so hard to open up to anyone - i need to be there for him. i move to the sofa he's sitting on and sit next to him.
"hero" i say, quietly but loud enough for him to hear.
he turns his head to look at me and he looks defeated, i've never seen him like this. we've had so many bad things happen to us but i can tell he's broken now, he can't handle anymore.
i kiss his forehead and rest my head on his shoulder.
"i want our son back" hero says, his voice is raspy. i look up and he's crying. i move my arms over and hug him, for the first time today - he sobs, and i cry with him.
i don't know what to say to him. i want my son back, i want him to wake me up every night and say he can't sleep. i'd do anything to hear him talk, to hear him babble while he's watching paw patrol. he was my baby. my baby is gone. he's gone forever.
i don't think we can take anymore pain.
why did this have to happen to us? have we not had enough hurt?
