A Tale of Mischief and Mutants part 2

Hormones

—-Sam—-

I smile listening to Loki tell us about Sakaar I was hoping I could get him to relax and now he's laid back seemingly in his element talking to everyone. He seems a little surprised by the laughter at the end of the story and also taken aback by being asked to share more. He looks to me and I smile again hoping to reassure him he smiles and starts telling us more.

As the night goes on we do all of the typical Fourth of July, birthday, and campfire stuff. We eat cake, shoot off fireworks, tell scary stories, and roast marshmallows for s'mores. It's amazing how normal this all feels as if they're all just some normal friends and not a superhero team I was strong armed into joining.

Eventually we both get tired and head home we both had fun I think but it's really late in Tønsberg like dead of night late. I'm dead tired too. I don't even have to fend off my anxiety before bed like I usually would. Usually after a busy day when I finally get home and it's quiet before bed my mind starts to wander and I get anxious.

I usually get rid of it by thinking about calming things and cuddling up to Lo' but tonight I'm out almost the same second my head hits the pillow. I'm glad to wake up to find I had a pleasant yet dreamless sleep and by the soft smile on Loki's lips as he sleeps I can assume he's having good luck with his sleep too. I step out of bed to head for the shower and that's when my luck changes.

My mood immediately shifts as I realize my favorite pajama pants are now ruined by a bodily process that's useless to me. I fume a little as I hurry into the restroom. 'Why should I have to deal with this shit every month when the preparation my body does for a baby will never pay off?!' It feels like the universe just loves to remind me about what happened.

For a week out of every month I'm taunted by it showing me the wasted resources my body uses for a womb that will never hold a child. It just feels like a cruel joke that my body continues to carry out the cycle. All my eggs were destroyed still in my body but wiped completely blank, no chromosomes to mix with someone else's and therefore no chance of conception.

I've felt even more crappy about my useless period since realizing my failure to communicate my infertility to my husband. I don't know if he wants kids (though I assume he probably does being raised by royalty and technically of royal blood), heck I don't even know if I want kids but the choice should have been ours to make yet it was taken from us, at least as far as a child of our own is concerned.

I clean myself up feeling myself loosing control over my emotions even though I know it's mostly the hormones. I know I can become a stereotypical over emotional woman like the ones depicted in sexist 50's sitcoms during this time of month. I'm fully aware that my reactions are a bit overblown but the knowledge that my emotions are just a result of an influx of a cocktail of chemicals flooding my system doesn't change the potency of sorrow and anger I feel right now.

The rational part of my brain tells me I'm being ridiculous as I start crying but the emotional side of my brain keeps coming up with more reasons for me to give in to the hormones and just cry. Yes my favorite pajamas are ruined, my legs and midsection are starting to cramp now that I've started moving around, I'm basically a lying piece of crap for not telling my husband about my infertility, and to top it all off I'm probably going to accidentally wake him up with my sobbing, everything's awful.

I start the shower hoping that the consistent noise of the water will cover up my crying and be more accommodating to sleep too. The hot water will feel good on my sore muscles too. I let myself cry as I stand under the hot water it feels good but with the pain of the cramps somewhat out of my mind my brain finds even more things for me to be upset about it's not hard I only have to remember back to less than two years ago...

I physically feel a lot better as I step out of the shower but I'm still crying. Yup wow. What a rational level headed adult I am. Honestly it's pathetic. I'm not being as quiet as I'd like and I'm just about finished in the restroom when I hear a soft tap on the door.

"Sam? Darling is everything alright?"

Irrationally Loki's question makes me mad how dare he not just know I'm having an awful day! I know I'm being unreasonable when I snap at him and regret the words the second I say them.

"I'm fine get off my ass!"

He goes silent and I immediately leave the restroom to take it back. I'm in tears as I come out.

"I'm sorry Lo' I'm-I'm just having a bad day."

I start crying more heavily. He comes and wraps his arms around me.

"Hey now it's alright, easy. Just tell me what's wrong love."

I'm embarrassed that I've let myself become the stereotypical bitchy woman on her period but at the same time he needs to know I'm not actually mad at him. I'm more mad at me right now and I know it's not just Aunt Flo talking though she's not exactly helping me keep a cool head. I need to 'man up' and tell him no matter how disappointed he is with me

"It's... I'm not mad at you. It's mostly just hormones."

His lips form into an o at my explanation and I can tell he's a little relieved assuming that's the only reason I'm so upset.

"Hormones... and the fact that the whole cycle is pointless."

I'm really quiet as I admit what I've been trying to find the right words to say for over a month. I'm crying as I go on.

"I'm really sorry... I didn't mean to hide anything from you. I didn't think about it at all until after the wedding... I-I know you'll probably want to talk about kids soon but... I can't. I'm sorry they-when they had me... they sterilized me. I can't do that for you. I should have told you sooner I'm sorry."

He looks at me with his hands on my shoulders. He pulls me towards the bed

"Mortal, come here."

We sit down and he wraps his arm around me. He looks at me and his expression is kind.

"It's alright darling. I've known that from the beginning, it was on a file Fury gave me before I went in to help you that first day."

'He-he knew?'

"Why didn't you say anything?"

He wipes a tear from my cheek.

"It didn't matter and I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."

My tears lessen at his words. 'Did he really not care about that?'

"You- you should be mad at me I lied."

He shrugs. I'm stunned at how unfazed he is that I didn't tell him for as long as I did.

"Do you not want kids?"

I thought royalty was all about continuing their bloodline I know Loki wouldn't have cheated to ensure his bloodline continued or anything like that but I expected him to be disappointed at least.

"...I don't think so... I've never had any interest in fatherhood but even if I wanted children I wouldn't want to have them with anyone but you. If I had to be with someone else... I don't think the trade off would be worth it."

I can't help but smile a little at his sweet words. He looks at me sadly.

"What about you?"

"I... I don't know. I'm not adamantly against it or anything it's just not something I've ever really thought about. I was just worried you would be disappointed I couldn't..."

I look to the floor he tilts my chin up so he can look me in the eyes. He looks at me with seriousness.

"Mortal I could never be disappointed with you, you're my queen and my heart, I love you."

My tears start up again but this time their due to how insanely sweet my husband's being. I hold him tight then kiss him for a long moment.

"I love you too."