A Tale of Mischief and Mutants part 2

Thinking on The Past

—-Loki—-

I leave to talk to Thor as soon as we finish breakfast. I'm dreading talking to him about my Jotun form but putting it off will only make my anxieties about it worse. I'm standing at his front door working up to the daunting task of knocking on the door. I hate talking to him about my Jotun form.

I know he's put his prejudices against Frost Giants mostly to the wayside after learning I'm one of them but I just can't forget about all the things he would say when we were young. 'I'll hunt them down and slay them all!' 'The ugly brutes shouldn't mingle with the other realms.' 'I'll bet they haven't advanced at all since the war on Midgard they're a violent race and are likely too busy warring amongst themselves.'

I had been terrified when I found out about my heritage, I thought that if he discovered what I was he'd kill me or convince Odin to have me banished. That he'd reject me as a brother. I realize now that, that was foolish but the possibility seemed so real at the time that it blinded me.

To avoid this fate I rejected him first before he could reject me. I couldn't stand the thought of him hating me and being ashamed of me. I thought he'd think it shameful to have had a Frost Giant charading as his brother under his nose for all those years. I couldn't face him so I decided to simply manipulate him into believing his banishment was permanent then leave him to live out his life on Midgard.

When it was made clear to me his friends were going to bring him back to Asgard despite that being treason I could think of no other solution and sent the destroyer to kill him. It felt as if Lady Sif and The Warriors Three forced my hand. I would have preferred to leave him be but at that point I had convinced myself that should he return and discover what I am and what I'd been doing he wouldn't hesitate to kill me.

When he actually did show up on Asgard I found myself so angry, in my mind he had ruined my one chance to prove myself to Odin. Of course I realize now that wasn't his intent at all. He wasn't aware why I was doing what I was doing he only knew that I was unhinged and he rightfully put a stop to it. He wasn't trying to secure his position as Odin's favorite son only trying to stop me from carrying out my horrifically misguided plans.

I had often wondered in the few times I was left alone by my tormentors after Thanos found me if Thor would've reacted the same to me letting go of Gungnir if he knew what I was. I also wondered in my most desperate times, at my darkest moments in that torturously hot room, if he wasn't looking for me or trying to rescue me because he found out what I was.

I know now that he would've reacted the same and would've come for me if he had any idea that I survived the fall. He wouldn't have hesitated for a second to save me even though I turned out to be the very thing he vowed to destroy when we were young. I felt it when we first spoke after he took me from the Quinjet during my attack on Midgard, he didn't care about my origin, he still loved me and just wanted me to come home.

I felt it, I wanted that too but the Mind Stone had other plans and anger quickly replaced the swell of sentiment and homesickness I'd felt. The anger muffled those feelings and shoved them to the back of my mind. There they stayed only making few brief and desperate reappearances, otherwise completely subdued. They became untethered only after the Hulk hit my head (and the rest of me) against the hard floor with an immense amount of force.

I didn't realize why until much later and there was no way I was going to try to persuade Thor that I felt that way after everything that just happened. I wept when the realization of what had actually happened eventually came to me in my cell on Asgard. Realizing just how pathetic and manipulated I had been and realizing that I couldn't tell a soul, nobody in their right mind would believe a word of it.

I was so close to being home, back in Asgard but not home, it was almost worse than being back in my cell in Sanctuary. Being so close yet knowing there was no way to come back from everything that happened, that I'd have to continue playing the part I'd been cast as I rotted away in my cell.

I've only recently realized that I didn't have to continue to play that part, I could have at least told mother what had actually happened. She could have enchanted me and seen I was telling the truth but I was too prideful to admit it even to her. My thoughts are interrupted by the door opening my hand still awkwardly poised to knock. Thor looks surprised by me, obviously he'd been intending to leave not at all expecting to see me standing here in his doorway.

"Brother? ...what's wrong?"

I once again must not be masking my emotions well something I've been failing at more and more recently. I think Johann would say that's a good thing.

"...I need to talk to you."

He nods disregarding whatever it was he was leaving to do and ushering me into his home.