A Tale of Mischief and Mutants part 2

No Trust

—-Sam—-

I seem to be really jumpy over the littlest things. The sound of a door opening puts me on edge, that and any relatively loud noise. They'd always made a loud entrance, I've been conditioned to respond this way I guess. It's just I'd almost been normal before those people tried to take me again and now, I've lost so much progress.

Though I'm happy Mary's living here where it's safe she scares me if she gets up for anything during the night. I hear noises and all my muscles seem to tense up. I don't say anything this is her home for now and she should treat it as such so if she wants to go to the kitchen for a snack at 3 AM she should feel free to do that. I'll adjust eventually.

It's been a few days and Loki still hasn't gone through with his plan. He's probably waiting for me to feel safer. I'll admit I'd be terrified if he wasn't here. Even if I'm not always right next to him all day the fact that he's in this house is enough to make me feel untouchable.

Mary is a comforting presence too but I don't feel the same amount of safety with her. Though she could physically burn someone to the ground I know she's no killer. Loki on the other hand... God have mercy if someone came into our home looking for trouble.

That side of him should probably scare me and probably would scare most people away but it's somehow comforting to me that I know he'd go that far to keep me safe. He wouldn't hold back and he won't be caught off guard because he showed mercy to the wrong person. Anyone who goes after me would be marked as his enemy and he wouldn't hesitate to do whatever he deemed necessary to neutralize them as a threat.

It's probably not behavior that I should encourage but I've been through so much that I don't care. 'Is that bad?' I'd rather he accidentally kill someone who's intentions were nothing more than deciding to burgle the wrong house than for him to show mercy and I potentially be taken and abused again. Maybe those thoughts are just my fear but they're real and clear.

'Does that mean I'm morally compromised?' 'Do I even care anymore?' I still want to help people but I don't trust people all that much anymore most are good but it's clear to me, at least for the moment, that I can't live by that assumption. I don't know, I hope these ideas pass and I can feel like I did before.

But right now it's a struggle even when our sweet neighbors knock on the door with Asgardian pastries to try and brighten my day. The people here, I love them but right now I can't trust them, I feel guilty about it. I hope the feeling goes away soon. I have a few sessions planned with my therapist starting tomorrow going into next week. Hopefully he can help me get past this.