A Tale of Mischief and Mutants part 2

For Better or Worse

—-Sam—-

I want to kick myself, I tried to keep my cool but even just seeing the doctors sent me spiraling back into anxiety. Then when they mentioned the blood test... I just couldn't deal with it. I become such a fucking mess, I'm so pathetic. I feel like I'm such a burden to someone like Loki who usually powers through his anxiety.

He somehow almost always puts up a front of seeming okay no matter how much he's breaking down behind the scenes. 'Why can't I do that?!' 'I'm an adult I shouldn't have to be consoled like a child!' Sometimes I wonder why anyone would bother with me. I'm so high maintenance because of all my issues. I'm positive I'm a burden, that is, until I see Loki smile at me in relief after one of my panic attacks or PTSD episodes has passed.

The way he looks at me... it's obvious he somehow doesn't see it that way. I'm filled with immense relief as we step through the portal and return home. Vili notices our entrance and slithers up to greet us. I silently stoop down and stroke her scales. I haven't said anything since I got off the Quinjet, old habits are hard to kill. I didn't speak for the better part of five years and that habit comes back anytime I'm stressed or anxious.

I think back to the first time I was struck across the face by my captors for speaking and shutter slightly. Shutting my mouth kept me out of trouble where speaking often made things worse. Somewhere along the way silence became my go to reaction. I sometimes have a hard time remembering that's not the case anymore even though I've been out of that situation for over a year.

Loki notices my shuttering and lays a hand on my shoulder. I look up at him to see his face is full of concern for me. I should give him an explanation for why I panicked on the jet and I also feel the urge to apologize for being such an inconvenience even though I know he won't hear any of it he always insists my apologies for my anxiety are ridiculous.

I silently rise up to full height again and take his hand leading him over to our couch. We take a seat and he pulls me closer to him. Okay, now just to get my lips to cooperate with me. I get them to but my vocal cords are now protesting too and it comes out at a volume lower than a whisper.

"...thank you."

He smiles at me running a hand through my hair. I apologize in the same nearly inaudible voice.

"I'm sorry."

He looks sad at my apology.

"Hush now, don't apologize, and please don't force yourself to speak if you're not ready to love. I don't need answers right this moment, what I need is for you to feel safe."

I mouth the words 'I do' at him before attempting to get closer to him though all that's separating us is our suits. It's true I do feel safe now I just need a little bit for my adrenaline to stop invading my system so the remaining symptoms of my anxiety go away. He smiles again which just eases my anxiety further.

"I still implore you to take your time."

I nod still leaning up against him. He continues to comfort me, after a few minutes pass I try speaking again.

"Her crying reminded me of the sounds I heard when they had me."

I know I don't have to be specific about what I'm talking about, he already knows. He nods solemnly at my explanation. I go on.

"I guess I just panicked... I'm sorry."

He looks at me with an emotion that's somehow stern, concerned, and reassuring all at once.

"Stop that. Don't apologize for being traumatized by what those bastards did to you. I won't hear it."

I speak again my voice getting quieter as I go on.

"...you- you always have to deal with me."

He looks to me seriously his expression softening.

"Yes, I get to take care of you, for better or worse because I love you."

He smiles slightly at me and lifts my face with his hand cupping my cheek. Some of the sternness comes back into his voice though it's a gentle kind of sternness if that makes sense.

"Hear me. Stop apologizing for things out of your control, I don't want to have this discussion again... please."

I smile my guilt being broken by his words and my sadness being subdued at him adorably adding a 'please' to what was otherwise a straightforward command. 'Oh Lo', I'll sure try.' I nod slightly as I speak in my still quiet voice.

"Okay. ...I love you too."