He Lost And He Found (Depressed Bakugou)

Chapter 22

Recap

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We, the stuff and Nezu have decided to build dorms for the savety of the students.

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"Bakugou be quiet. You could have woken up Aizawa with your shouting."

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Everyone noticed that Bakugou went out two more times without a teacher saying anything.

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"Well you are here, so you surely can participate"

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In that moment the whole class with no exception was angry at Bakugou for being so favoured by all the teacher, except All Might of course.

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Bakugou was now attending school for a week now. His parents surprisingly allowed him to live in the dorms. The class ignored him more and more. He was sure it was because he left the class for his things. However, he couldn't tell them. He didn't want to show them how weak he really is. The squad still talked to him, asking him why he was always leaving and what he did? He ignored them. In the end even they talked less to him. His own thoughts were starting to eat him alive. Thanks to his stupid lungs he couldn't let out his rage in hero-traing. Wich just made him angrier and angrier. Living in the dorms had atleast the benfits of not seeing his parents all the time. If he would be able to go jogging he would do this  every morning. He had the time before class started. 

Aizawa on the other hand let the past days replay in his head. He had once again talked to Nezu about building dorms for the students. He reasoned it with the recent villain attacks at the training-camp and the last one where Monoma and Bakugou were fighting Dabi. Though, his real reason was different. He had the feeling that some of his student didn't had a homelife that you could describe as loving and to help them get away from it he wanted dorms. He knew what it meant to live in an unwelcomed family. He wasn't accepted by his own family for his sexuality. He cut his connections to his toxic family with the help of his husband Hizashi. Over the years they adopted two children: Hitoshi and Eri. He didn't regret anything about how his family turned out. He loved them with all his heart. One time at the dinnertable he talked about Bakugou's condotion, it was the day he was sent to the hospital. He was done with his nerves and needed to talk it out. Hizashi mentioned the night he stayed at school because of Bakugou, after Aizawa told them that he is now in the hospital and not allowed to do any sport activities. 

Flashback:

"Huh?! Bakugou is in the Hospital?  Didn't you stayed at school with him over night because he and this Monoma-kid were attacked by a villain?" Hizashi questioned Shota, not thinking that this kid would get serious hurt twice in such short time. He just found out that this kid was about to die and isn't allowed to do any kind of sport for a while. He could only think of how shitty it must be for the young aspiring hero.

"Yeah I did. Now that you mentioned it he is actually a great cook. He cooked dinner for us that evening." Answered  Shota remembering the delicious meal.

"Wait. Hold up, are we talking about this blonde kid with anger issues that won the UA-sports festival?" Hitoshi asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, why is something wrong with this?"

"Oh nothing. Sorry dad I just didn't thought he would be able to cook. It seems as if he can do other things than being an arrogant attention seeker"

"He sure as hell is not an attention seeker Hitoshi" Aizawa slightly raised his voice to the shock of everyone. He mumbled an apology after he realized it.

Eri then interrested asked if they were talking about the boy that looked a little lonely on christmas. Shota hesitantly agreed to it.

"Oh, well I like him. He looked like a nice person. We should invite him."

The others looked perplexed at Eri, not sure how she got the impression that Bakugou looks like a nice person. 

"However, what do you mean by he is definitly not an attention seeker dad?"

"It's not my place to say but all I know is that he went through some shi-" he looked at Eri and quickly corrected himself "-stuff. You shouldn't assume such things"

Hitoshi looked with a thoughtful face down on his food. They didn't talked about Bakugou after this again that evening.

Flashback end.

He thought about the things his kids said about Bakugou. They both had completly different impressions of the ash blonde. One thinking he is arrogant and an attention seeker with anger issues while his other kid thought he looked like a nice person and wishing to meet him again. So the question he couldn't find the answer to was: How did one person muster these two opposite personality while hiding all the pain he is going through? Aizawa didn't know and probably never will. 

Bakugou is a mystery himself, he has build so many different layers over the years that he doesn't know who he truly is in the end. He doesn't even know who he wanna be anymore? He lost himself over the years in this endless forest of darkness. He lost the hope to find the middle, the light that is waiting for him between all the trees. He tried to find it over so many years without a trace that he wonderes if there is still light in the dark. The demons that were hiding came out a long time ago from the shadows. Keeping him from the pure light, that is going to be the freedom Katsuki is yearning for, the only solution to get away from the monsters and demons without taking his own life. Katsuki forgot what it feels like to be able to see his surroundings. How beautiful the forest could be if it would simply get to see the sunlight again. Then trees and plants are only able to come alife when they are getting the warmth of love and the light of hope. Live cannot be where it's only dark and cold. And Katsuki's warmth was taken from his parents, who just took his love but never returned it. The light was taken when he lost his will to ever give his love to anyone else or rather he lost it to the feeling of lonliness, loosing a friend and getting your heart shattered into million of pieces impossible to find in the endlesness of darkeness. When his first friend left forever, so did the last bit of light. Now all he can do is talk with the creatures that whispers sugar coated lies to him, assuring that he falls deeper into the hands of confusion with every step he dares to take forward.

As Katsuki awakes again from a nightmare swimming in his own sweat, he decides to let the Bakusquad in. He needs their upbeat energy that kept him safe from the demons in his head for so long. He really didn't wanted to show the weakness to anyone, however he couldn't stand the constant yelling and whispering in his mind. He is going insane when he doesn't do anything against it. He looked at the time 3 in the morning again. He decided to take a walk around campus and then go straight to the classroom. He got his things and a black hoodie to keep him a little safe from the rain that was pouring with everything it got from the grey clouds. He didn't understood how it could be such a perfect weather for his mood, however, he didn't complain about it. 

The whole 3 and a half hour walk he let his life replaying before his eyes. He didn't really found anything new. He thought about life so often he already knew that his life is fucked up. He thought about the letters he wrote before he wanted to end it all. He was still thinking about it. The voices told him to do it and he was sure it would give him the freedom he longed for. So what was keeping him? He wasn't sure. He didn't know why he wants to give his wortheless life a second chance. It didn't made sense to him. He doesn't deserve to live after everything he did. Why couldn't he end his life then? What kept him from dying? The blue fire appeared in his mind again. Iceyhot's brother. He died. Katsuki envied him a little that Touya didn't have to live in this filthy world. He sighed, maybe he will do it today or tomorrow, who knows?