fatal love

chapter 84

Sirius lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had only been home for a few days, but they had not treated him kindly. He wasn't fighting with Walburga, exactly, but he didn't have the energy to play along anymore. It was all so pointless.

He'd stopped going to her lessons. When he came down to eat, he was wearing pyjamas, because he couldn't be bothered to get dressed, and it took too much energy to even muster a reply to simple questions. Needless to say, he had lost count of how many times he'd been Crucioed. Whatever - it wasn't like he didn't deserve it.

Walburga didn't seem to know what to do with him, now that even Crucioing him didn't make him obey her anymore. She'd realised that if she let him sulk in his room, he wouldn't bother anyone, so in the end she just left him there.

He tried not to think about the Marauders. He hated the way they had all been looking at him last term. Peter had been scared of him, James had been horrified. Remus... Remus had looked so disappointed, and so betrayed.

He'd made Moony cry. He'd made his Moony cry.

And then he thought that why he felt shit was exactly why he should never have been friends with the Marauders in the first place. Because he wasn't guilty about Crucioing Snape. He wished he'd never done it, and he felt guilty for letting his friends down, but the action itself? He wasn't happy that he'd done it, but thinking about Snape's unconscious body... it just seemed reasonable to him.

There was a knock at the door. Sirius didn't say anything.

"I'm coming in," Walburga's voice called.

That was odd. She never knocked. He'd been expecting Regulus.

She opened the door slowly, taking in the sight of Sirius, and perched delicately at the end of his bed. "Regulus tells me you have fallen out with your friends," she said.

"Don't act like you care," Sirius mumbled.

She leaned forward, and he flinched automatically, but she only brushed a strand of hair out of his face. "I know it hurts," she said softly, "I'm sorry."

Sirius stared up at her. He couldn't remember the last time she had treated him so gently. "They hate me now," he choked out.

"Why do they hate you, my darling?"

"I- I did something really bad, Mother."

She nodded. "Losing friends is never easy. But you have a family that is unlike any other, Sirius. We know the importance of blood in this family. We could never abandon you."

"You did. You have for the last five years."

"No, no," she hushed. "We were harsh on you, I know we were. But that's because I know how great you could be, Sirius, and I could see how your friends were leading you astray. Everything I did, I did out of love. Some rebellion is normal as a teenager, I understand that. But you can see, now, that no one is more important than your blood. Without them whispering in your ear, you can be a real Black again, Sirius. We can be a family now."

He glared up at her mistrustfully. He had no wish to ever be a real Black, not as she meant it. But he knew he couldn't say that. He'd struck a deal with Dumbledore, he'd used up all of his goodwill, and now he had to deliver.

"Yes, Mother," he said, feeling hollow, "I know that now."

She smiled down at him, petting his hair. "Why don't you tell me what happened, love?"

"I Crucioed another student. My friends found out."

"Why did you do that?"

"He insulted me," Sirius said blankly, "as the Heir."