fatal love

chapter 134

Remus cast a silencing charm as Sirius climbed into bed with him, and shut the curtains around them wordlessly. Sirius lay next to him for a while, stewing, thinking about Lily and James in the bed opposite, the young muggleborns, and Snape and every other vile Slytherin.

"I hate them," he said angrily, speaking into the darkness. It felt odd, speaking so loudly when there was no light, but he was too furious to try and control his volume. "Snape, the Slytherins, every Death Eater and every single sympathiser."

"I know," Remus affirmed. "It's awful. There's no fucking decency, I mean, cursing young kids from behind, what kind of coward does that?"

"They aren't waiting," Sirius hissed. "We said no - Lily and James said no - because we decided students should be students, that we shouldn't be part of the war yet. I- I fought for that. But they aren't doing that, their soldiers are already in the bloody castle, and pulling shit like this!"

Remus sighed. "It's not soldiers, Pads," he said, "just blood-purist teenagers trying to live out some sick fantasy. Voldemort has no use for schoolchildren."

"Ha!" Sirius exclaimed sarcastically. "Tell that to Regulus!"

Remus paused, sucking in a breath. "What about Regulus?" he asked quietly.

"He..." Sirius bit his lip, but forced himself to say the words. "He has the Dark Mark. Got it last term."

"Are you serious?"

"Mhm."

"I... Fuck, I'm sorry, Sirius."

"S'alright," Sirius grunted. "Think he was always heading that way. Not really surprising, I suppose."

Remus frowned, and Sirius could see his brows furrow even in the low light. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Dunno." Sirius picked at one of his nails awkwardly, looking down and avoiding Remus' gaze. "You'd already had to deal with me seeing Walburga, then Alphard dying... felt like I'd given you enough Black shit to deal with already. Didn't want to keep reminding you where I come from, I guess."

"I know who your family is, Sirius," Remus said, his voice sounding strangely hurt. "You could have told me."

Sirius shrugged. "Sorry. Just wanted to keep it private. I'm telling you now, though."

"Does anyone else know?"

"I told James."

"Right."

Sirius turned his head to look at Remus. "Are you mad?"

"No," Remus said unconvincingly, "it's your personal business. You can tell whoever you want." Remus always got annoyingly civil when he was pissed off - it was bloody frustrating.

Sirius clicked his tongue. "You are mad."

"I'm not mad!" Remus snapped, sounding mad. Sirius chose not to point this out. "I- I just... it always used to be James who you went to when you needed something, but I felt like, over the last year or so, it was... me you started coming to."

"I, uh..." Sirius didn't really know what to say. "It wasn't like I chose him over you. We were just talking, and I decided to tell him in the moment. It was a while after I found out too."

Remus nodded once. "Okay."

"Merlin, I don't know what you want here, Remus!" Sirius groaned. "Yes, James is my brother, but you're my boyfriend, you're the one I'm in love with. I can't give you more than that."

Remus lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. "Who's first, though?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. "You're always the person I go to first Sirius, there's no one who even comes close. Am I that to you?"