fatal love

chapter 129

Sirius didn't bring up Remus' dad again. He felt guilty, like he'd lost the right to. It wasn't that he didn't worry just as much, if not more, or that he didn't want to hear about Moony's problems. It was that he knew Remus had had a point. When they fought, Sirius did lash out, and he knew Moony's dad was one of the things guaranteed to get a reaction. So he'd used that fact, more than once.

He felt awful about it. Really, truly, gut-wrenchingly awful, that Remus had held onto those things he'd said. But hadn't that been his intention all along? And maybe he would have pushed harder, tried to properly redeem himself, but he didn't trust himself. He knew what he was like, and he knew his faults, and if he was being honest, he couldn't promise that he wouldn't lash out exactly like he always did next time.

That wasn't to say things were bad. Remus let it go, and ostensibly, so did Sirius. There was no bad news the morning after the moon, and neither of them brought up the conversation they'd had in the Shack again.

So December arrived, and things were... Well, they were fine. Sirius still couldn't get more than a whisper of silver out of his wand when he tried to cast a Patronus, and Pete had by now given up on Eliza, after a lot of moaning and whining, and James and Lily carried tension between them despite all the love, but things were fine. No one was dying, no one was fighting. It had just been a long term.

Which meant Sirius was looking forward to Christmas. Two weeks with James, and Euphemia, and Monty was exactly what he needed right now. What he didn't realise, until James mentioned it to him when they were walking back from Quidditch practice, was when the next full moon was.

"Crap luck for Moony, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked.

"Christmas," James said. "It's a full moon on the twenty-fifth. I assume he'll stay at Hogwarts?"

"I... I dunno," Sirius said honestly - he had no idea what Remus' plans were. "I guess so, I know he finds moons easier here."

"Well, we should all stay too," James declared, and just like that, Sirius' hopes for a simple Christmas were dashed right in front of him.

"Yeah, course," he smiled, pushing down the flash of disappointment guiltily. "We've never had a Christmas all four of us, have we? It'll be a riot."

"Yeah!" James grinned, apparently elated at the idea. "I can speak to Evans too, see if she can stay! Unless you want it to be a Marauders-only gig..."

"Course not, git," Sirius chuckled, "you know Evans is as welcome as the rest of us."

"Wicked! I'll speak to her, she'll probably be glad to avoid her sister anyway..."

Sirius hummed.

"Have you spoken to her recently?" James asked, suddenly speaking in a hushed tone. "About... you know, siblings?"

"No, why?"

"I..." James paused, frowning. "I know Dumbledore wanted you to speak to Regulus. And then, all of a sudden, he didn't."

"Oh."

"I'm not trying to pry," James said quickly. "Evans told me it was done, and that you didn't wanna talk about it. And I know you and her have always, I dunno, understood each other when it comes to siblings, I know she could help you way better than I could. And you two are more... on the same page, about all this Dumbledore stuff, so of course she'd be the person who knows, and that's fine, seriously, it's good that you have her. I just... you know, I don't know what went down exactly, but if you need to talk about it, then... talk to her, yeah?"

James took a deep breath when he finished talking, and looked at Sirius expectantly.

Sirius hesitated. "I... I told Dumbledore no," he said finally, meeting James' eyes. "I said I wouldn't recruit Reg for him."