fatal love

chapter 121

The next few days were exhausting, and awkward, and the toll was starting to weigh on Sirius. Their group was split down the middle, with him and Lily against James, Remus, and Peter.

Perhaps the worst part was that it was so clear none of them wanted to fight with each other. So they didn't, but that meant they also didn't talk to each other at all. Sirius hadn't spoken more than a couple of words to Remus or James since that night in the Common Room.

He ended up spending all his time with Lily. He sat with her in classes, and when classes were over, he went with her to the library, like Remus normally would. In contrast, it seemed Remus was now the one who was talking Quidditch strategy with James. It felt all wrong, but he didn't know how to fix it, not without going right back to the place he was at twelve years old, but this time, with all of his friends in that place too. Selfishly, he wondered if it would be worth it.

He liked Evans and all, but they weren't well-suited to keeping each other company this much. She liked to spend her days being productive, whereas he was a procrastinator of the highest order. He needed his time with Prongs doing stupid shit, and his time with Wormtail doing nothing at all. And he could tell that Evans was the same; she needed her library sessions with Remus, and her chats with James.

Benjy wrote back to him a week after the falling out. Before this week, the last time Sirius had spoken to him was to check in after the riots in Birmingham, and he'd only received a quick, scribbled reply saying he was fine. He hoped for a little more this time.

Sirius,

It was good to hear from you, even if the reasons you wrote were unfortunate. I'll get straight to the point - if you can avoid fighting, then do so, and do it for as long as possible. When I became Head Boy, I thought I was old enough to handle it all. I wasn't, and I still don't think I am. Christ, I'm talking like such an old sod, I sound ridiculous. I think I've just aged a lot in the last twelve months. The war is... incredibly dark.

If you can give any advice to Lily and James, it would be to stay as far away from the war as they can, they shouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. It consumes you, eats away at your insides. Maybe they'll have the common sense I didn't, and listen to you.

Caradoc wants me to tell you he says hi. We're both at a safehouse right now. I got my ribs shattered in a duel with some Death Eaters, and we weren't allowed to go to St Mungo's, it would make the hospital a target. Death Eaters have no honour, but I'm sure you already knew that. But Ted Tonks is here, the bloke who married your cousin, I think? He's fixing me up, along with a couple of other poor fucks, and at least I get a bit of time off.

I'm trying to think of the most honest advice I can give you. I think it's easy to talk in the abstract, to say you'll do the right thing, but realising exactly what that entails is far more difficult. I will say that while I was at Hogwarts, I wasn't fighting like I am now. You don't have to worry about your mates getting blown to bits while you're still in uniform. But I think it got me caught up in everything.

Sorry, this letter is depressing. I don't mean to be. I really was so happy to see that you wrote me, it made my day. I miss you, I miss having fun with you. But I don't want you to be where I am in a year. Maybe you'll have to be, but you shouldn't have to make that choice yet.

Write me back soon. And stay safe.

Love,

Benjy

Sirius read the letter over the breakfast table, gripping it so hard his knuckles went white. With every sentence, he got more and more worried. The Benjy he knew was exuberant, positive, jokey. Right now, he sounded like a shell of himself. The gallows humour didn't suit him; he was supposed to be optimistic, charming.