fatal love

chapter 95

Wednesday was officially Sirius' birthday. He awoke surrounded by the other Marauders, who lauded him with their presents and cards and well-wishes all whilst he was still in bed.

Remus grinned at him happily, as if there were no complications. A complete reversal of last night. Sirius had gotten back from Ravenclaw late, but Remus had still been up when he came back to the dorm. They had stared at each other for a second, frozen, but before Sirius could work up the courage to say anything, Remus had simply said goodnight and shut the bed curtains around him.

It was little moments like that that made everything so much more painful, because it kept that little spark of hope alive, against all evidence and reason. Because almost all of the time, Remus was soul-crushingly normal with him. Sirius was his friend, his fellow Marauder, his dorm mate, and it was like that was all they had ever been, and all they ever would be.

But then there were moments. Remus had kissed him, Remus got angry at Benjy, Remus stayed up and waited for Sirius to get back from Ravenclaw. So Sirius knew everything wasn't as simple as Remus liked to pretend. But it didn't mean anything would ever change. Yes, Remus might have feelings for Sirius, but they weren't enough, not enough to break the careful facade that had been constructed.

He grinned back at Remus, pushing those thoughts away. He'd been given lots of booze, various muggle items - some of which he recognized, like pens and a notepad, others that he didn't - the sour sweets that he was partial to from Honeydukes, and some Gryffindor-red hairbands, now that his hair fell down to his collarbones, and had to be tied up at least half of the time.

They went down to the Great Hall, and to his pleasant surprise, Evans had got Marlene and Mary up early, so they could all eat together. Sirius was well aware it was his first birthday without his family, but somehow, it didn't feel like that. It felt like his first birthday with his family. James sat solidly by his side, laughing loudly and leading the conversation, Marlene on his other side, yelling over everyone.

Remus sat opposite him, making sarcastic comments and snorting softly at whatever James and Peter were talking about. Evans was quietly pushing the new ABBA album into his hands, with a wink and a smile, a reminder of his thirteenth birthday and a tacit symbol of her full forgiveness. He blew her a kiss, acknowledging what it meant, and slipped it into his bag without a word. Mary was pulling on one of his hands, painting his nails with the varnish she had bought for him, like the muggle and muggleborn girls did, talking about her boyfriend to anyone who was listening.

It was loud, and chaotic, and everyone was talking and no one was listening, food was being chewed with open mouths while they yelled, people kept leaning over each other and swapping places. They were bickering, they were laughing, they were swearing. It was the type of family Sirius hadn't known could exist before he was eleven - there were no rules, or expectations, it was purely joy, unconditional and unconstrained.

More and more people filtered into the Hall, lots of them stopping to slap Sirius on the back and wish him a happy birthday, and he leant back, relaxed, and just enjoying the company. When the morning post flew in, he didn't even bother looking up to see if there was anything for him. He had everything and everyone he wanted already surrounding him.

As the papers dropped down, he was distracted, looking at the black nails Mary had given him. Walburga would have hated them - muggle and feminine, two things he couldn't be seen as under any circumstances. But he thought it looked quite cool. He only looked up when he realised that everyone had gone quiet. They were all looking at him.

"What is it?" he asked. He looked at James, but James stared at him, open-mouthed.

Remus wordlessly passed him a copy of the Prophet.