fatal love

chapter 168

Late that night, there was a knock at the door, and when Sirius opened it, he wasn't that surprised to see Benjy.

"Hey," he said tiredly, "what's up?"

"Just wanted to see someone," Benjy muttered, looking somewhere over Sirius' shoulder awkwardly. "Knew you'd be free."

"How did you know that?"

"Full moon, innit?"

Sirius froze, and then started babbling. "Look, Benjy, you can't tell anyone, okay? No one-"

Benjy just laughed humourlessly. "I won't," he said. "Not like I care anyway. Tell me, is he an animal in the sack, then?"

Sirius frowned. "It's not a joke."

"You're avoiding the question, Black."

"Right, if you're going to be an arse then I'm sending you away, I don't care how sad you are."

"Don't!" Benjy exclaimed. "...Please? Sorry, I just- I can't stand being at home anymore, and I can't go back to the flat, it's so empty, and I just need an escape. Only a couple of hours, and I'll be good, I promise."

Sirius relented, stepping back and letting Benjy in. "If I get us a drink, will you be able to handle it?" he asked. "Or will you overdo it again?"

"I'll watch myself."

"Alright. Let's have a drink then."

Sirius went to the kitchen and flung open all the cabinets, eventually finding a bottle of firewhiskey. They didn't have any clean glasses at the moment, so he just opened the bottle and brought it back to the living room, sitting next to Benjy and offering him the first drink.

Benjy took the bottle and swigged from it, wiping his mouth. "Thanks," he said hoarsely.

"No problem." Sirius took a drink himself. "So you aren't doing so well, then?"

Benjy shook his head. "I'm lonely, Sirius," he said, sounding so sincere and so heartbroken that Sirius couldn't hold back his grimace. "Even before we got together I was mates with Doc, ever since we were eleven. I can barely remember a time that he wasn't around. And now, every day, I wake up and I have to realise again and again that I'll never get another chance to talk to him. Or laugh with him. Or- or tell him I love him."

"I know," Sirius murmured, "I know, and I'm so sorry, Benjy."

"And I know I'm acting so fucking pathetic at the moment! I just drink and cry and drink and cry, and even though I know it'll only make me feel worse, it's the only thing I can bring myself to do."

"You are not pathetic," Sirius said forcefully. "You're grieving, there's a difference. And fucking hell, it's not like I'd be doing any better in your shoes, so don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can."

Benjy nodded slowly, taking another gulp of firewhiskey. "What did you think of him?" he asked.

"Who, Caradoc?"

"Yeah. You liked him, right?"

"Course I did," Sirius said quickly. "He was great, the nicest bloke ever."

"Mm," Benjy sighed, hanging his head, "that's what I was afraid of."

"What do you mean?"

"I just... urgh!" Benjy groaned, and Sirius rubbed his arm comfortingly, shuffling closer. "I just remember him as being this absolutely perfect person," Benjy said, "and I don't know, I wondered if that was just rose-tinted glasses. Like maybe the person I miss never really existed in the first place, and I haven't actually lost all that."