fatal love

chapter 166

So Remus didn't go back to the werewolves for that moon, and it was a relief. Sirius transformed with him for the first time in almost two years, and they ran together in the woods outside the cottage. And no one hurt Remus, and Sirius stopped him from hurting himself, and when Remus woke up, Sirius didn't have to curse him. And it was all like a little taste of relief.

But the rest of their time together didn't go so well. Sirius still felt antsy, and Remus was obviously feeling guilty for skipping the moon and lying to Moody, and neither of them said much to one another. Remus seemed nervous around him as well. Like he thought anything could set Sirius off.

Maybe he was right. Sirius kind of felt like anything might set him off too. There was just too much he had to think about, too many people he had to look after. He had to get Benjy out of his house, he had to get Marlene back into hers, he had to make sure Evans was doing okay, that she and Prongs would both get to be parents. He had to make sure Pete didn't get into trouble. And he had to keep Remus safe.

He'd already failed Eff and Monty, he'd let them go on his watch. He'd failed Regulus. And he couldn't keep failing everyone. He was one more failure away from completely cracking.

In an odd way, he could see it all so clearly. He knew what it would look like. It was what Walburga was like, it was what Bellatrix was like, they were both completely mental. It ran in the family, like pale skin and cruelty. And he was heading that way, he was watching it happen to himself. He'd always been more like his family than he wanted to be, than he pretended to be, but for a few years, he'd thought he was getting better. But now he was moving backwards. Getting more violent, less remorseful, with an extra addition of creeping insanity.

And Remus was apparently watching it happen too. His eyes followed Sirius whenever he moved around the room, and he was more withdrawn than before. He barely even touched Sirius, just watched and waited. Not that Sirius really blamed him.

But still, it was so painful that Sirius was actually grateful when the moon was over, and Moody sent him out with James to investigate why the Malfoys, Selywyns and Flints had all been spotted in Glasgow over the past week.

He took the opportunity to take his bike on its first proper journey, riding up to Scotland and meeting James there. When he told Remus he had to go, Remus didn't freak out, didn't steal Sirius' wand or scream and cry.

No, Remus was sensible and rational and told him to be safe, and that was that. And Sirius envied him so much for being able to do that that he could barely bring himself to kiss Remus goodbye, just brushed his lips against Remus' cheek instead and hurried out of the house without looking back.

The hours on the road were good for him, Sirius thought. He needed to get out of his head for a little bit, and he could do that by zooming along long stretches of empty road, feeling the wind batter his face like it used to do when he was on a broom.

When he got to Glasgow, he pulled up outside a pub and dug his mirror out, calling James.

"Alright, Pads?" James' face grinned through the mirror happily. "You there yet?"

"Just got there," Sirius said. "I'm at the... Royal Oak."

"Wicked! Gimme a sec!"

The mirror went blank, and Sirius tucked it back in his pocket. A second later, James emerged from an alleyway a few feet down.

"Hey," Sirius said.

James smiled broadly, pulling him into a hug. "So you are still alive," James said. "I haven't seen you in bloody weeks!"

"Sorry," Sirius apologised, cringing. "Been busy. How's Evans doing?"

"Oh, she's good. Great, even. A bit emotional, but that's normal with all the hormones."