𝗥𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘁 +K. Bakugo X Reader+

66. White

Tw working through emotions. Tw very emotional I almost cried.

The therapist was right. You got hell of a lot better. Depressed but definitely better. No more hallucinations. Only a painting that stared back at you.

It was a painting of a flower swaying in the wind. Pastel colors. You stared at it as if it were tv. Each time you looked at it, you found new things. Some parts of the painting lifted up, as if they had used too much paint. An amateur painter.

Maybe a child? Or a beginner, who can only draw stick figures? You analyzed it in many different ways. It was fascinating.

And the next week, they brought another painting. This time, it was a dandelion. You liked studying this one. The yellow contrasted nicely against the purple background. Looks like this person had done some research about color theory.

Or maybe they purposefully painted it bad. Either way, it was entertaining. You loved it.

You slept well. You ate well. You were entertained. Maybe this confinement wasn't so bad.

"Hey."

You looked up to see many people pointing guns at you.

"We're going to let you try art therapy. No funny business or else we shoot at you. Any suspicious move and you're shot. Got it?"

You nodded eagerly. Your therapist stepped from behind them.

"Lower your goddamn weapons. You've spent a lot of time observing her. You know she would never hurt me or anyone else."

They reluctantly lowered their weapons. Some stared at you with pity.

"Well, it took a lot of convincing for this to happen. But we're going to paint our emotions today." She set up a canvas in front of you.

She released your arms. "C-can I stretch?" You asked her.

She shot a look at the army of people. "Don't shoot. She's going to stretch."

You finally got to stretch, shedding tears at the fact that you could move your aching arms. It had been so overstimulating.

"Here's your paintbrush. You know your primary colors, right? And how to mix them? I heard you liked to make art before you worked as a hero."

You nodded quickly.

"Alright. Draw on this canvas. Tell me, what does your past look like? Your future? Your desires? Anything you'd like."

You stared at the blank canvas for a while but not for too long. You hated white. White was a disgusting color. It was the color of your confinement. Innocence. Pure. Free. Like a dove, it represented life and everything good. Maybe that's why ghosts are thought to be a white figure. Life. And death. Coexisting makes people fear ghosts.

You picked a random color. Red. Red was the color of Katsuki's eyes. It was the color of your trauma. Your fears. Your wants.

Katsuki. You wanted to see Katsuki.

Katsuki. Katsuki. Katsuki. Katsuki.

Fingers. Red fingers...their ears, the rest of the arm, their legs, their-

You dropped the brush in horror.

Arm holding the teddy bear.

The small arm holding the teddy bear.

"Don't resist it. Look at it." She grabbed your face and forced you to look at it. "Does it haunt you? Did it ruin your life?"

You wanted to stop looking at it. She gently wiped away the tears rolling down your cheeks.

"Face it. Was it really your fault? Could you have saved them that day?"

Your breathing was beginning to pick up.

"Tell me. Tell me the truth. If you rolled back time, would you have been able to reach them in time?"

You grabbed her hands and pulled them. You pulled and pulled but she didn't let go.

"Guns down!" She yelled at someone. Or the people over there? "Tell me!! Could you have saved them?!"

"N-no! No, I..."

"That's right. You couldn't have. It's not your fault. It was never your fault. Look at it. Does it haunt you because it's a little girl? Or maybe a boy? Who do you see holding this?"

"I don't know."

"Do you see yourself? Maybe it's because of their innocence. You blame yourself because you couldn't protect their innocence. You see yourself in it. That bear is your clinging to innocence and past. And that arm is you. Let go of the bear, (Y/n). Let it go, once and for all."

You sobbed as she pulled you into a hug. "I know it's hard but keep going. Let go of the bear. The bear is only hurting you."

You hated white. White meant pure and innocence.

"That past life is no longer there. Your childhood was stolen away. You can no longer relive it. You have to move forward. Accept change, and let it go."

Let it go.

Let go of the bear.

That was never your fault. It never was. Forgive, but never forget.

"Rip the canvas." She gave you a knife. "Put the fucking guns down!!"

You stabbed the canvas and dragged a nice long line down. Again and again, you ripped it to shreds. You broke the wooden frame. You broke it until it was perished to pieces.

"Good. Look at that mess. You destroyed it. And that means you have to look forward. No more looking back. No more doubting yourself. You are a powerful being. Nothing shall hold you back, (Y/n)."

For first time in a long time, you smiled. "The future. I can finally see the future."

"Good. Now, repaint your future. Repaint your desires. Repaint your past."

She gave you another canvas. This time, you knew what you wanted to paint. Red.

You drew the perfect shapes of his face. His eyes. His eyebrows. His hair. His lovely pupils, staring at your lovingly.

"Your lover?"

"I want to see him. Can you please bring him? And Izuku too. I want to see them."

"Alright. I'll also put in a request for you to be able to paint. Your trauma isn't gone but it is in the process of healing. It's a step in the right direction. I promised you that you'll be fine."

"Yes. Thank you." You smiled widely. "I can't stop smiling."

She gingerly wiped her eyes. "Yes. Don't stop smiling, (Y/n)."

And for the first time in six months, you laughed genuinely.

You hated white. It represented pure and innocence. Freedom.

It was you. It was you who hated white. But everyone else loved it for what it was. And you can respect that.