Not for a Single Second - [Elizabeth Olsen]

Chapter 46: Never Special

Love me like you mean it
For the short time that we spend
And when you leave, do it quietly
So I don't think that it's the end

Lead Me On - Nate Poshkus

Lizzie's POV

July 1st, 2022

I'm getting ready for the Hattie Harmony event in Barnes & Nobles. This is the first big event for the book and I'm so excited to share it with kids and everyone who purchases the book. Sadly for me, the event is in New York. And you know what that means.

All the memories with Y/N are coming back without previous warning and I'm not okay. I feel like as if a truck ran me over, then ran me over again and ran me a third time just to make sure I was dead, and the truck wasn't even being driven by Y/N. It was being driven by all of her friends and family.

I miss her so much, I really do. And knowing she's so close, yet I can't go to her, I shouldn't go to her, it breaks my heart even more than it already is. She's so angry at me, she has the right to be. I did the only thing she asked me not to do. She let her walls down for me and I failed her.

I know I should feel terrible about how things ended, and I do, but I can't help but feel as if she is overreacting. People break up all the time, and I didn't lie to her entirely. Yes, I lied about Robbie and I not being together anymore, but I didn't lie about the reason why I broke up with Y/N. At least, part of the reason.

I'm not ready to start a relationship with a girl. I'm not ready to date publicly, I'm not ready to tell my family about me liking girls, I'm not ready to commit to this type of relationship that comes with so many cons instead of pros. I'm just not ready to do it and getting Y/N into something that I know wouldn't allow us to be truly happy, isn't something I'm willing to put her through. I've put her through enough already.

All of this has become so overwhelming, that there's even times where anger takes over my body too. I'm crankier, snappier, irritated, and anxious all the time. Robbie has been understanding, but I can see he's also getting fed up with my attitude both as a person and as his wife. He's constantly seeking for what has been missing in our relationship: physical contact, intimacy.

Ever since we got back together, we've been spending most of our time together too. Going to therapy, working on the book, travelling, and attending events, and the regular household chores a normal married couple does. It has been nice, but to Robbie, that's not enough. He's missing that unique and special part of the relationship, the sex. And I've got to admit, I miss it too. But every time we start something, flashbacks from every time I was with Y/N flood my mind and I just want to stop.

I feel like I'm betraying her, like I should get out of where I am, and run to her. Run to her and plead to her to forgive me. I would get down on my knees and beg her to forgive me. I know I did bad, that I hurt her profoundly, but we love each other. I love her. Love is stronger than anything, right? Does she still love me?

"Beth, you ready?", Robbie asks me, and I snap out of the trance I was in. I look forward and see Robbie through the mirror, patiently waiting for me at the door.

"Yeah, just let me grab my things", I quickly say before standing up and picking up everything I would need today. My phone, my charger, a pen for autographs, some gum and lip balm, and Y/N's leather jacket. No, I shouldn't bring it with me. The pain would be so much harder to bare. I put the jacket back in my suitcase before walking towards the door to meet Robbie.

"Let's go make some kids happy", Robbie comments sweetly and I smile at him before we intertwined our hands and walk out towards the van taking us to the bookstore.