Logan's Version

LV 4 (scene 5) - No Laughs Allowed

Logan and Tracy are sitting lazily and tiredly on the big couch watching the TV with entirely no interest. After a while, Logan groans in frustration.
Logan: It's almost October. And we haven't had anything interesting in our lives. (turns to Tracy) What went wrong?
Tracy: I quit my job and became your manager.
Logan: What's wrong with that? Working with me is a blessing
Tracy: Sweetie, you've been turning down college roles. With all sincerity, you should be grateful I don't get you high school roles.
Logan: Because I'm too young for my age.
Tracy: You keep disturbing me about going for the Harry Styles tour [laugh track]
Logan: Tracy, I'm not a fan boy. I just like his music.
Tracy: (brings out a large wallpaper from behind the couch) I got this autographed wall -
Logan: (grabs it hastily) Mine! MINE!! [laugh track] (He runs to his room with the wallpaper. Tracy is confused as she hears crashes and pounds. Logan comes out almost immediately in the most humble manner ever. He quietly sits beside Tracy)
Logan: (clears throat) Thank you, Tracy [brief laugh track]
Tracy: (stands up) We'll just wait for tomorrow. I believe you'll be better by then [another laugh track]

The next day...
Logan: (runs to the living room screaming as though he saw a dead body) I just found out something worse than a dead body!! (Simran is scrolling on her phone while sitting on the couch. She raises her head slowly as though Logan is losing his mind)
Simran: (dryly) I'm good, Logan? Thanks for asking.
Logan: See?! That's what happened!
Simran: OK. Your morning sickness is worse than your regular one. Good thing Tracy is the. normal one.
Tracy: (fuming as she storms into the living room. She's wearing a bath robe and a shower cap and holding her toothbrush and slightly wet, implying she had most likely rushed out of the bathroom. She turns angrily towards Logan) Logan, what did you do? Today is not better than yesterday!
Logan: Tracy, I swear I had nothing to do with your missing phone case.
Tracy: (raises an eye suspiciously) How do you know about my missing phone case?! (pauses as she realizes something) Hold on, nothing happened to you either. Something's wrong! (turns to Simran and grins briefly) Hello, Simran. How are you doing?
Simran: I'm fine, but both of you aren't. I didn't know morning sickness could be contagious - from a guy.
Tracy: Simran, you don't understand -
Logan: (worriedly) I was also affected, and for some reason, we're the only ones who realize it. (Turns to the camera) Unfortunately.
Simran: (confused as she follows Logan's gaze to know what the heck he's staring at) Logan, who are you looking at?
Tracy: Simran, what's happening is that there's no response to anything funny we've been saying.
Simran: There's nothing funny I've heard today. Although, Tracy? That blue shower hat does not match with your turquoise toothbrush.
Tracy: It's literally a shade of blue. (to Logan) We don't have time for this. We need to tell someone important, someone it might most likely affect...

Literally, 15 minutes later...
Jesse: I have NO IDEA on how any of this started.
Logan: (unimpressed) Seriously, of all the people you thought would know this was important, it had to be him.
Tracy: It was either Jesse, Kelsea, or Danny. Besides, Danny is going to be the last person we'll ask to fix this funny issue we have here. And he's oblivious to a lot of things.
Danny: (Suddenly behind them) What are you all talking about so suspiciously?
Logan/Tracy/Jesse: (startled) Nothing.
Danny: (stares at them for a while but simply shrugs) OK. (He walks off. Jesse continues talking to them)
Jesse: Maybe you can ask Kelsea. She's not in school right now. She's on set or something.
Logan: (to Tracy) Girl, how did we forget Kelsea? She's like the little sister we never had
Tracy: But you forgot your son's name.
Logan: Oh my God! Calling him my son is so not funny anymore! (obviously irritated) Tracy, please do not irritate me! I am literally irritated!!
Jesse: You have to hurry up, and I have class soon. I would've said today is getting interesting, but we both know that's a lie (He walks off, leaving Logan and Tracy staring at the camera in mock uncertainty)

Again, later...
Logan: Kelsea, you didn't tell us you're on a movie set. (Kelsea is seen standing on a high stage platform. Surrounding her are several movie tapes. She's dressed in a blue blouse and black skirt and black flats on her feet. She's also sipping on a can of Coca-Cola)
Kelsea: (proudly) I know. The set is a real block buster. (clarifies) Cause you know, I'm on a movie set shaped like blocks put together and surrounded by movie tapes.
Logan: Yeah, we get.
Tracy: Kelsea, we have a problem. Everything we do and say is not met with a response. Be it boring, funny, cleverly important. Jesse said you can help us.
Kelsea: I'm sorry. I can't help right now.
Logan: Because you're directing a movie? We get it.
Kelsea: What are you even talking about? I'm just doing my job (Kelsea is seen putting up several signs with arrows pointing right that say "Movie this way," "Keep right," "Avoid every road block-buster," and "The film is set this way")
Tracy: This is why no one does "Child Manager For A Day" anymore.
Kelsea: But there's one person who can tell you what's really happening.

Fast forward...
Camillo: (wearing dark sunglasses and signing random paperwork. He removes them and looks up). Camillo's residence. How can I help you?
Logan: This is my house. (The camera reveals the interior of Logan's living room. Camillo looks around and simply shrugs at the two of them)
Camillo: Wow, I keep forgetting you don't have a very big place.
Logan: And you're about to not have a big salary.
Tracy: (clearly frustrated) Camillo? Logan? We have to focus. If we don't fix this unknown problem soon, we could lose our essence. Actually, I still have mine. It's Logan who's in danger.
Logan: Yeah. But you leaving me technically makes you the bad person. So we can't do without each other.
Camillo: You both are nauseating. I don't care if I'm fired. I'll just leave like the rest of them.
Logan: Who's them?
Camillo: Them. The people who respond to everything you say.
Tracy: Why did the people leave?
Camillo: They decided to make today a special day for everyone. Either that, or you have frustrated them enough leading them to quit.
Tracy: Well, the special thing they're trying to do is ruining our lives.
Logan: You know it's not so bad. Research has shown that our lives without the response, at least once in a while, is just as great as the response.
Tracy: You're just saying that because you're the main character. Actually, you give off main character energy a lot.
Camillo: (scoffs) Tracy, if Logan won't give such obnoxious speech, then who will? We all know I care about everything.
Logan/Tracy: (sarcastic) Yeah, you do [laugh track]. (The two of them lit up a smile immediately as they look at each other) Hey! They're back! [applause track] (They hi-five each other)
Camillo: (rolls his eyes) Amateurs. (He walks out with his sunglasses and papers. Logan and Tracy quickly turn to the table and see a charger on the table)
Tracy: I think Camillo left his charger here.
Logan: (observes the charger for a while before making a crazy discovery) Camillo used my charger?! HE USED MY -
Camillo: (overhearing them outside the house by keeping his right ear very close to the door) In 3, 2, 1...
Logan: (yelling offscreen as Camillo pace walks out of the compound) RUUIIIIIIIIIIZ!!!!! [Final laugh track]