I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 13 And we're off to Washington

I leaned my head against the cold concrete wall, and tried to calm my overwhelming anger and confusion crawling through my body, tightening my stiff muscles. Now wasn't the time for this shit, but hearing Hap..sent me further down some unknown dark path. Who was I kidding, my paths have always been this way, since I was a kid, and a couple years of peace, and belonging didn't change that, just pushed it aside for the time being.

'I wasn't pining, just lost, I felt so lost. Always lost, I don't fit here anymore.'
'Did I ever fit in, or was I doomed to always be the outsider, always looking?'

I wiped my face and straightened my shoulders, my melancholy would just have to wait. I slipped my earpiece in and let JARVIS connect me to the already waiting security team, surrounding the EXPO.
When I really thought about it, what hurt, as well as the heartbreak, was thinking about leaving all of them behind, no matter my questions about belonging, and shadowed path.
For me, those shadows were very real, following me since the day I was born. My nanita warned me, I just never listened and now, here I was fighting with myself, making excuses, and failing.
How could I be so juvenile, and spiteful, when as soon as I walked into Stark Industries I immediately felt at ease, like I belonged here with all of them?
Pepper and I fell in line with each other do quickly, became wonderful friends and I loved her. The same with Tony. Jeez, we were only together for minutes, that first introduction, but something happened between Tony and I. Our relationship became something to be cherished, and somewhere between then and Iron Man, I fell in love with him.
Our little dalliance, may of been rough, and fleeting, but it moved both of us. I know I wasn't the only one who experienced it, I saw it in his eyes, reflecting with the same knowledge and emotion as mine, but it just wasn't enough.
It never was, and since the whole experience and horrible realization, I had no idea how to respond besides with silence, and work.
Growing up I never fit in anywhere, not even during my time in the marines, not really.
People seemed to fear me, or treat me like I was a loose cannon, instead of a human being. I never knew what it meant to belong to people, to have a niche till I met Rhodey. Then Pep and Tony came along, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to let them go, no matter how much they broke me, but then again, Happy was right too.
I couldn't keep living like this. It'd been seven months, and I was past the point of tired, but no matter how much sleep I got, which wasn't much, I still woke up strung out, and irritated, growing more weary every day.
I needed a change, or I was going to end up even farther down that black rabbit hole, and this time I didn't know if I'd have the strength to dig myself out, like I'd done before.
None of them really understood or knew the constant battles I fought since my parent's died, and they never would, not when I still didn't understand them either.
These past seven months, and listlessness made me think about my grandmother, and the ambivalent warnings, crazy insinuations, and the coaxing to accept something I didn't fully understand.
She died speaking of unseen powers, and the darkness spreading through my body and mind, but I never listened, living in regret for most of my life.
It angered me to have those images and memories laying waste to my noticeable instability, but I wondered why I was thinking about them now, growing more uneasy as the days trickled by.

I cleared my throat, and shook my head violently, trying to clear the cobwebs, "security team one and two are in position, waiting on package one to arrive, ETA four minutes," I uttered, moving into the building and heading to the large stage, already decorated and ready for Tony's arrival. Throngs of people were screaming Tony's name, and tossing small trinkets onto the stage, "bravo one, have expo security clear the stage, now," I ordered, eyeing the large array of underwear and objects littering the stage.

"Copy that, security team three and four have checked perimeter and are in position, contacting security now," Mac, one of our head security members answered.