I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 14 The Hearing

Most of the car ride was quiet. I slept, or pretended to sleep, and hummed along to the loud music thumping in my ears, but I felt Tony's eyes on me throughout the drive.
There was so much to say, but I didn't want to say any of it. Because after all this time what could I possibly have to say to the man sitting next to me?
That I was angry?
That I was already planning on leaving?
That he hurt me, and I was still hurting?
That I loved him?
I wanted to say all of it, but I just couldn't. I felt like a teenager, and so unprepared, and all it did was make me angrier. I already knew how our conversation would of gone, and nothing would change the anguish I'd felt for the last seven months. I just wanted to get this over with, and go home.

Tony watched her as she fidgeted in her seat for a few hours, and it was driving him nuts.
He had so much to say, but now that she was sitting just inches away from him, he didn't know how to even begin their conversation.
She made it clear she didn't want to hear his excuses or his apology, and she didn't even make an effort to allow him to explain since she slipped in her ear buds and turned up the music, ignoring him.
He had an apology ready, but he didn't have any excuses, unless confusion, and a touch of fear, a lot of fear actually, could be used as an excuse. He hadn't forgotten that special night, and accepted he probably never would, but she wouldn't understand his late reaction unless she let him in.
In fact, he wouldn't forget any moments they shared these last three years, and he caught himself thinking about them quite a bit lately.
Her bright smile, her ability to listen and offer advice, them laughing together late at night, allowing him to take a breath, and relax for a few hours. He thought about all of it, and the reality he missed her, but he already knew that.
His fight with a man who he trusted implicitly, and Afghanistan, changed him so much, and he was still struggling to come to terms with everything, more so once he announced he was Iron Man. For a while that took up his time, and so did his fear about everything, but she was always there, a serene image of dark hair, and bright amber eyes, and he had somehow fucked it up.
He recalled a conversation with Rhodey, and he let it slip (y/n) was the only one who looked for him everyday, as well as the one who initially found him. He mentioned the obvious loyalty she had for him, and how shitty she let herself get just to find him, but it wasn't just loyalty that drove her, he discovered the reason in his small room next to his lab.
He couldn't hide his surprise, when Rhodey mentioned all of it, because the same damned flutter he always had when it came to her hit him over and over again.
It grew once he saw her running towards him, like a maniac, as soon as he arrived in LA, and the doors to the plane opened.
He'd always remember just how much his disappearance affected her, not only from the information Pep and Happy shared with him, but because it was layed bare all over her face and ethereal amber eyes.
She looked utterly exhausted, pale, and one of his favorite shirts covered her thinner body.
Everything she did since then amazed him, and it was that loyalty and the way she cared for him which guided him.
Pff, if he hadn't killed Stane, he was sure she would have, just out of sheer devotion, and it frightened him to realize what she would do for him.
Something inevitably changed between them that night before he left for Gulmira, and it scared the shit out of him too.
The way she felt about him scared him, and he knew for sure how she felt, once she fell asleep on his couch after he came home from Afghanistan, and they slept together.
She was mumbling in her sleep, and while he covered her with a blanket to keep her from shivering, she said something, something which still wreaked havoc in his mind on most days.
'I can't live without you,' she had mumbled, and reached forward as if she was touching someone's face, 'Tony, stay with me..'
He nearly stumbled over when she said it, and he hightailed it to his lab. He tried to forget about it, but once he saw her in that red dress, and they had their little moment, he knew for sure.
He felt like such an asshole, but her amber eyes, and strong belief in him, pulled him in, and for those few minutes, he was at peace.
She provided a warmth he'd never experienced before, and hadn't since then, but the enormity of what he felt, forced him to move back, and then there was Pepper.
His closeness to Pep seemed to grow these last few months, and while he enjoyed their time together, (y/n) was still prominent in his thoughts, but she'd completely changed, and refused to do anything other than her job.
Both he and Hap were taken by surprise at her sheer audacity, and ferocity when it came to training, and working. In just a few months she'd outshined most of Happy's team, although some of them had been doing that type of work for years.
Tony knew he was the one to blame for the sudden change, but after trying to talk to her, along with his own issues, and fears, namely the reactor in his chest, he gave up.
Yet, he saw the damage he'd done, and what the outcome of his choices had created. He still didn't know what to do, not only because the strong emotion in his chest was new, but because it was overwhelming, and seemed to move over him completely. He never really thought he'd get to this point, or feel a certain way about one woman, but his panic overrode his questions on most days, and he began to lean on Pepper.
Tony glanced over at (y/n) again, and tilted his head at her dark hair and clothes. The normal t-shirts, and jeans she used to wear, were a thing of the past, as was the usual bright colors in her hair. The soft curves of her body, he'd always appreciated, were now just hard lines of muscle, and he hadn't seen her bright smile in months, but it was her eyes that had changed the most.
There used to be a fire lit behind those beautiful amber eyes, turning the unique color even more noticeable, but lately they looked flat, shadowed, and strangely a darker color than before. In seven months they hadn't changed, just grew darker till there was no evidence of the beautiful amber, just a deep black. Even Pepper mentioned it, and worried about her state of mind. She'd tried on numerous occasions to find out what was wrong, only to have (y/n) brush her off, and distance herself even more.
Their little rag tag group was falling apart, and he was the one to blame for all of it, but women, especially the one's he cared for, were a complete enigma, and he did care for Pep, and (y/n), more than he wanted to admit to himself, but (y/n) was there.
He missed her, missed their relationship, and he could lightly admit the pull between them physically was hard to ignore.
Sex was something he used as a way to alleviate his mind from work. It wasn't really romantic, or went farther than the next morning, but things were different once he kissed her soft lips. He found himself wanting more, just unable to accept what that could mean for both of them.
He sighed, and reluctantly reached up and moved a strand of hair from her cheek. His face flushed when she leaned into his hand and moaned his name, forcing him to drop his hand, and clench the steering wheel.
"Well this is just wonderful," he whispered sarcastically, and leaned back against the seat, absently rubbing the once life saving mechanism in his chest, only to feel the constant ache and itch that started a few months ago. Fear pricked at his skin, but he accepted he may have a few months left, before his own project, killed him, and there was nothing he or (y/n) could do to stop it.