I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 19 Final Blowout

One Week Later

I looked out into the water front, from the backside of Stark Industries, and tried to relax the constant tension across my shoulder blades, but not even the view of the Pacific ocean could help calm the constant stress I'd been under for the last week.
After the awful plane ride home from Monaco, I spent the next week with Natasha, lightly working out, training and listening. I was still recovering from the fight, and the incident between Tony and I on the plane ride home, which inevitably changed everything, and put me on a new path, but Nat stayed rather close, as if she was protecting me from something or someone.
Thinking about the plane ride home just made me nauseous, and enraged.
To think I risked my life, only to just sit in the back of the plane, with Natasha, inadvertently watching while Tony cooked Pepper a meal and ignored the person who saved his life. He refused to say anything more to me after all the yelling and screaming, even though I knew him well enough to see the fear in his eyes, but I was done.

The Plane Ride Home

"How? What're you doing out of hospital?" Tony barked, almost as soon as I made it up the steps of the plane, "you shouldn't even be up, so again what're you doing?"
"Why're you yelling at me?" I rebuked, and shied away from his loud voice, once my headache began to come back. He started to pace, and balled his hands into fists, before stepping in front of me, blocking my path.
"Cause you've lost your mind?!" Tony yelled, forcing me to stumble back against Natasha. His bruised face was red, sweat dotted his forehead, and his normally styled hair was a clumpy mess on his head. I noted some small black markings peeking out from underneath his collar, but his yelling kept me from asking what happened, or if they came from Vanko.
"You could of gotten yourself killed, AND you put Pepper in danger! What the hell were you thinking, dragging her along?! I can't believe you (y/n)!" He shouted, growing more enraged.

Rage, surprise and rejection coursed through my battered body, and the tears I'd held in at the hospital, now fell down my cheeks as I tried to push past his heaving frame, but in the span of seconds Natasha's offer began to burn through my mind with vengeance.

"Mr. Stark?" Natasha interjected, "now's not the time for a tantrum."
"Stay out of this Rushman," Tony retorted angrily, "and how did you even get out of the hospital without any of us knowing? The doctor said you needed a week, but here you are, you never listen!"

My resolve had begun to crumble, and all my anger from the last few months began to pour from my trembling lips, "you need to get the fuck away from me right now, Tony," I warned through a cracked voice, just as Pepper and Happy reached us, overhearing the commotion. My anger encouraged the pain across my chest to flare and it made it hard to breath, but I didn't back down from Tony, or his questions.

"I don't need you helping me, I could of taken care of Vanko, but no, you had to throw yourself out there like you knew what the hell you were doing!..HE WAS AFTER ME, I COULD OF HANDLED IT!" He shouted, and stepped closer, invading my space, as my heart cracked even more.
The man in front of me, looked nothing like the man I coveted, and that's when I realized whatever was going on between us, was over.
It was over as soon as he woke up in his lab, seven months ago, I was just too stupid and loyal to realize it.
Pain radiated across my chest and stomach, forcing tears to crest my lashes, but the man who I inevitably gave my heart to, the one man I'd fallen in love with after a lifetime of shadows, wasn't the one I'd be with, ever.
There were no more conversations, or excuses to make me stay, not while I was being talked down to like I was some kind of waif, or rookie. I was trained to keep both him and Pep safe, maybe not from such a dangerous threat, but I did better than Tony did, and I was alive, hurt, but alive.
It may not have been my business to put myself out there, but I loved him and reacted on what my heart and instinct felt in that moment. Plus, deep down inside it felt natural to take a leap and fight.
BUT....
I didn't want to do it anymore, not here.
I couldn't do this anymore.
I didn't want to live between heaven and hell, because for the last seven months that's exactly what it felt like. Heaven and hell, and it was too much, even for someone like me. I'd already spent most of my childhood living like that, and I refused to back down that road, ever again. I wouldn't survive, I was barely surviving now, but the time had come to finally let him go, and my resolve finally broke because of it.