I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 121 Petulance

"I can't believe you're making me take you home, like some spoiled child," Natasha growled, as the plane lifted off, but uttered nothing else, and headed west, neither did I, in fact.
I was barely holding it together, as is, and was thankful she granted me some quiet time, to think, and try to put all my thoughts into focus.
Maybe I was being petulant, maybe I was being a child, but if Tony really wanted to remove me from the foundation, for something we knew would happen, then I no longer belonged there.
I honestly didn't know where I belonged, or what to do, besides find my answers.
If Tony wanted to be a flaming hypocrite, then I no longer needed to be involved with anything at the moment, and the only thing I had left was flying to Arizona and hopefully learning something about who I was and why I could do certain things, that scared the hell out of everyone, including me.
If Tony was scared of me getting hurt, well he had a shitty way of showing it, and he had no right to come into my job, and make demands, not when I never gave him those same ultimatums.
We could of had a discussion, a calm, adult discussion, but instead he scolded me like a child, and there was nothing he could say or do, to take back what he said.
I did the right thing. There was no regret or remorse, and if I could go back and change it, well, I wouldn't, because we saved people from experiencing even more horror, and terror.
Why didn't he understand that?
He had his own brushes, and near misses. He's the one responsible for Malibu blowing up, and for partially jump starting Ultron, but I stood by him, and accepted his downfalls, always. Yet, he didn't waste any time pointing out the things he thought I'd done wrong, and I refused to listen to it.
The shadows, he pushed away after my run in with Barnes, came roaring back with vengeance, and threatened to choke the life out of me. It didn't take long for my grandmother's words to echo through my head, only this time, I didn't welcome them. I didn't want to hear them, nor her, because she was wrong.

In the silence of the plane, even after everything, I could admit that I needed Tony. I needed his arms around me, to hold me and tell me we'd be okay, that everything would be okay, like he'd done so many times before.
Only.. this time, that need wasn't going to be enough. We couldn't fix this with sex, and laughter, maybe we couldn't fix it all. Our relationship had been nothing but going two steps forward, and three steps back, and I was tired of living in between heaven and hell these past few months. My heart belonged to him, it always has, but maybe happiness isn't meant for me. Maybe I belonged in the darkness, because darkness sure as hell lived within me.
After an hour, my stomach heaved at the thought, and a small sob finally escaped over my lips.

"It'll be alright cectpa, I promise," Red encouraged, and squeezed my hand.
"I can't...I can't breathe!" I shrieked, and clutched at my chest, "I can't do this anymore!"
Natasha's warm hands slid over my cheeks, and her deep green eyes invaded my blurred vision, "look at me cectpa, look at me," she demanded, and shakily looked around the shaking plane. Tears poured over her cheeks, and her forehead landed on mine, "you're one of the strongest people I know, and you will keep doing what you're doing because you're a soldier. I know you're tired, and scared, but you need to calm down, and really think about what you're saying. I can't imagine what you're thinking right now, but you know just as well as I do, that men are fucken morons, but your moron..."
"Don't.... don't you dare say I was wrong and he was right, or I'll toss you out of this plane," I muttered through harsh gasps, and closed my eyes.
"That's not what I was gonna say at all," she snickered, "all I was gonna say is you can't blame a man for being scared of losing the one thing he can't afford to lose..."
Her words hit me like bullets, and I understood what she meant, but it was more than that, "I'm standing on a line Tasha...a line between giving up, or seeing how much more of this I can take.., but I can't...I don't know, this isn't just about Tony..." I whimpered.
"I know, so let's just get you home, and I want you to take a few days, before you head to Arizona," she cautioned, "just give yourself some time, and I promise everything will look better in the morning."
I just nodded my head, but this once, I didn't believe her.