I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 60 Fill Me In

DAY Three

"I'm getting out of this fucken wheelchair Natasha..." I growled through clenched teeth.
There wasn't a part of my body that didn't hurt, just from moving from bed to chair, but I pushed myself further, and harder, refusing to stay down.
It had only been sixty-four hours since Bruce released me from the med-wing, but I refused to go back there. I hadn't slept, telling myself I had slept enough these last three months.
Yet, with everything Natasha and Clint told me, only a few things made sense.

I understood how Barnes had escaped, while everyone was fixated on Steve and I, laying unconscious on the muddy banks in front of the treskilion.
I understood why Fury was in hiding, legally declared dead, and why Natasha had dumped all SHIELD/Hydra files onto the net. We really didn't know who or what were SHIELD or HYDRA, and Nat decided this was the best option to start over. She also made me privy to the fact she told our own government to basically go fuck themselves once they alluded to locking all of us up, which would of made me laugh if I wasn't so scattered.
I even understood why the Avengers were now considered their own entity, still fighting against the evil still plaguing the world, especially when we still had HYDRA agents scattered like rats throughout the world, and SHIELD in disarray.
What I was having a hard time understanding is why Tony moved everyone into his building, turning Stark Tower, into The Avengers Tower, while I was layed up.
I didn't understand why all the stuff from my apartment was now in an overly large room, down the way from Natasha's. We had our own floor, complete with kitchen, and a small weapons room.
I didn't understand why Pepper was gone, nor why Tony had taken it upon himself to become part of the team again. The same team he no longer wanted to be a part of after New York and AIM, but more importantly, I didn't understand what Tony expected from me after all this.
Natasha had made me privy to their conversation, in the hospital, while they waited too see if I was going to make it. He offered up everything he had to the Avengers, knowing that if I made it, I was going to keep fighting, and that's where he wanted to be, fighting, and with me.

As the hours passed by, everything Tony had said kept fluttering through my brain, making my heart soar, but my stomach plummeted with doubt. We'd been here before, numerous times, with him looking down at me, smiling, whispering things, only for me to lose pieces of myself, pieces I still hadn't got back. Pfff, Tony's audacity didn't surprise me, but this was life altering, everything, and I struggled daily with my own fears and doubts.
I was lost among a sea of emotions, and drowning under them. Bruce and James warned me about pushing myself too hard, but it wasn't the physical strain, it was the unanswered questions and inability to accept where I was, or what Tony wanted.
I had made my peace in that dark abyss, and although I heard my grandmother's voice, telling me I wasn't done yet, here I was, struggling to cypher through what was happening around me, and too me.

"Hey, you need to talk to me first," Nat encouraged, leaning against the large window in front of us.
The sun was setting, turning the sky a deep purple and orange. It was beautiful, but tears crested my lashes. "You'll be okay. You've been down before, and you always get up, that's just who you are," she quipped.
"Tasha... I'm, I'm so overwhelmed here," I mustered finally, "I.. I didn't expect to survive, and I was okay with that, as long as I did my job, and Steve was safe," I finished truthfully.
"Yes, I know, which pissed me off by the way, and we'll discuss that later," she added quickly, "you told me and Tony that you were almost there, to let you go," Nat sighed, and kneeled down in front of me, "(Y/n), after what happened in South Carolina...I know things have gotten darker, and I've been there, with the Red Room, and my own brushes with death, I know what you're going through, I do, but to willingly leave everything behind's a little selfish..I understand where grief can take a person, but I also know that something else was going on, and we can't help you, if you continue to shut me out. Plus, you didn't see what I did, when Tony pulled you back. I've been there too, with Clint. There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him, the same goes for Barton, but no one's forcing you to decide what type of future you want, although it's there..."
"Natalia I've heard this shit from you before.." I snapped, "since Vanko.."
"Don't snap at me, and you're right you have heard this before, and we'll keep talking about it till you tell me the goddamn truth. I thought we'd reached the point in this friendship, where you could talk to me about anything and everything," she hissed, "but you've barely said a word since you got up and I'm the only one who has the balls in this tower to tell you like it is.."
Shock rocked my body, "you need to get the hell away from me right now, Romanoff," I seethed, sensing the familiar rush of anger pouring through my blood, but I was so tired of feeling it.
"Or what (y/n)?" She retorted quickly, "are you really going to sit there and tell me that you aren't still in love with Anthony Edward Stark, or are you finally going to admit that you're just running scared? That you've always been running scared, from everything? This isn't the first time you've clammed up, and I'm not gonna let you do it again."
"Are you out of your fucken mind?!" I rushed out, feeling my control slip, and not because she was wrong, but because she was right.
I just wasn't prepared to deal with her truths. I was exhausted, in pain, and... still trying to catch up. I needed to catch up on what was happening around me, not just what was going on between Tony and I. There was too much hitting me all at once, and my rage wasn't going to help me this time.