I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 90 Fears, and Nico

I watched him trek upstairs, without looking back, and stymied the tears from falling. I wrapped my cold arms around my stomach, and layed down on the floor, too overwhelmed by the day to get up, or do much of anything, besides think the worst.
The sounds of the shower echoed through the quiet house, and I was fighting the need to join him, but the look in his eyes demanded privacy. He shut me out, and my stomach ached because of it.
I didn't begrudge Tony for the way he handled his demons. He'd spent years holding them in, and dealing with them alone, or with a few select people, who unfortunately betrayed him in the end, like Stane, but I was different.
I'd spent the last years showing him how different I was from everyone, even Pepper. I had no qualms about his emotional baggage, or guilt, all I wanted was to be trusted enough for him to share it with me, and for the last few weeks, I thought we were getting to a place where we could.
Maybe it would never get there, I thought, but pushed it from my mind. We both still needed time to acclimate ourselves in this new relationship we began, and a few weeks wasn't long to do much of anything besides try.
Tony and I shared alot about ourselves, even after SHIELD fell, and I wasn't going to give up on him, never, but the look in his eyes made my blood run cold. There was an emptiness there, something he wouldn't let me touch, and I was lost with what to do.
I leaned my head back against the tile, and closed my eyes. Too much had happened today, and I was stretched thin. The box of happiness I was in earlier, cracked, and fell apart, leaving room for the shadows to seep in, and darken my mood.
The sound of Natasha's ringtone blared through the house, and disturbed my dark thoughts, but I forced myself up, and headed upstairs.
I stopped when I passed the master bathroom, aching to feel his warmth, or just a few words that would comfort the haunted thoughts flying through my brain, for both of us, but I kept going until I answered Nat's face call.
I didn't feel like talking, to anyone, but Natasha was always an exception.

"You look like shit," she remarked, almost as soon as I opened the call. I rolled my eyes, and flipped her off, as I headed back downstairs, and to the backyard. The early evening air was already cold, and the wind blew through the yard, as clouds began to darken the sky.
"What's wrong?" She asked, and pulled back her hair.
"Nothing, what's up?" I sighed, and plastered a smile over my lips.
"Not much, just wanted to make sure you still had the ability to walk, since Rhodes told me Tony headed out to Oceano," she contended, "see, I told you that crazy manchild was utterly sprung over you," she teased.
"Yah, he's here, and who the hell says sprung anymore?" I stated, and cleared my throat. I plopped down on the bench swing, and spread myself out over the cushions.
"Okay, then what the hell's the matter with you?" She growled, and brought the phone closer to her face, "it's just you and me here, what's wrong?"
"Nothing Natalia, I'm just tired. Being here hasn't been easy, and I'm learning more about the past than I needed too," I reassured her, "but we should be coming home tomorrow, so I'll be at the facility the next day.."
"Whoa whoa, you just started your time off a week and a half ago, Cap's gonna be maaaad, and you're lying to me," she countered.
"I'll handle it Natasha, goddamn you're so nosy," I scoffed, and looked away so she wouldn't see the tears building, "how's Wanda?"
"She's doing a lot better. Vision's been surprisingly helpful when it comes to her grief, but she's doing well, and Clint said to tell you hi, and answer your damn phone next time he calls," she answered matter of factly, "now what the fuck is wrong with you? You know I'll keep asking till you either tell me or want to kill me. Is it the pictures still?"
"No, it's not the pictures, and I'm already wishing I could punch you," I growled, and leaped off the bench and began pacing.
"Then spill it. You should be enjoying yourself, not looking like someone shot your dog," she harped, while I continued to pace around the porch. I ignored the one or two men standing with Jesse and Nico, but my pacing was catching their attention, "(Y/n), you know you can talk to me..."
"I think.. I mean.. maybe Tony and I are moving too fast," I blurted out of nowhere. It was something I thought of on the plane for Oceano, but when he got here I was just so overtaken with love and giddiness.
"What, why?" Natasha asked, perplexed, "and how many times are we gonna argue about this same issue, before it gets through your thick head?"
"I don't know.. maybe it's just me being paranoid, but he.. he shut me out," I uttered, and took a deep breath, "it's been a rough couple of days.."
"Pfff, I bet, and I have a tendency to forget how little experience you have with men," She giggled, and waved her hand.
"I'm serious bitch," I barked, but couldn't help the smile growing on my lips as Natasha rolled her eyes at me. I stepped further away from the house, and walked through the small pasture in the back, away from all the eyes and ears, "he had an attack, and he won't let me in. What if he thinks this is a mistake, or maybe he doesn't want to do this anymore, maybe it's too much, I found a few things here..and they're hard to swallow," I stammered, and began fidgeting.
"Okay, whoa, I need you to breath and look at me," she ordered, "do you hear yourself, and it doesn't matter what you found, we'll deal with it, I've, we've all told you that, but you know Tony better than anyone. I'm sure he didn't appreciate feeling that vulnerable in front of you, and things aren't just going to magically go to the place you want them too. I mean christ, you decided to fall in love with Tony Stark," she added, and gave me a smile, "things take time.. it's not easy for anyone to share the darker parts of themselves even in the presence of someone they love. Do you know what brought it on?"
"No, he was talking to Nico," I started, immediately regretting it, with the sly smirk spreading over her red lips, but strangely comforted by her encouragement.
"Who's Nico?" She cooed, and pursed her lips, "wait, is that the handsome ex Tony complained to Rhodey about?"
"What? No, I don't know.. and how the hell do you know he's handsome?" I chided, and looked back towards the house.
"Because Rhodes isn't exactly quiet when he's on the phone, and I looked him up," she replied nonchalantly.
"You guys are the worst, I swear to shit," I hissed, and slowly began to walk back to the house, ready to start packing.
"Yah, but I want you to listen to me," she concurred with seriousness, "for someone like Tony, just because he walked away from the Avengers, or is taking a break, doesn't mean the weight of the world has left his shoulders. Steve has the same problem..."
"I know that Natasha," I interrupted, and felt small drops of rain pepper my hair and face.
"Yes, but it also means that they're stupid and think they're destined to carry it alone, even if they have someone who understands," her voice cracked, but her smile didn't leave her lips, "I've told you before, some people are more fearful of getting what they need or want, rather than facing the wrath of this world alone."
The rain became more heavy, and thunder began to rumble a few miles away, but I didn't move. Maybe she was right, but then again, maybe I was too.
"Or maybe Nico said something that pissed him off, boys will be boys," She added, just as Nico ran towards me.
"(Y/n), you're getting soaked!" Nico announced, and draped his leather jacket over my head.
"Ohhh, introduce me to your friend!" Red shouted over the rain.
"How about no..besides it's pouring and..," I said, but Natasha scoffed and waved.
"You must be Nico. Tony's told us so much about you," Natasha exclaimed, while I turned my phone towards Nico's face, "I'm Natasha."
"Uh, yah, I know who you are..hi," Nico stuttered through his open mouth, "and I can imagine what Stark said about me, all of it's probably lies."
"And now this conversation's over," I hissed, and turned the phone back towards me, "I'll be home tomorrow, I'll call you then."
"Such a party pooper...fine, but listen to what I said, I'll see you tomorrow," she growled, and hung up.
I tossed Nico's jacket off my head, and climbed back onto the porch, irritated that he followed me.
"I can't believe I just said hi to the Black Widow.." he babbled, and shook the rain out of his hair, "you should get inside, you're soaked, and I'm sure Stark won't appreciate seeing you out here, alone, with me."
His comment, while making me angry, forced me to look up at him and frown, "I can handle myself, and have you always been this juvenile?" I retorted, and took a step back from his crowding presence.
"Can you, with someone like him?" He rebutted, but ignored my question.
"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I growled, and planted myself near the door.
"It means the same thing I told Stark. We all want you to be happy, regardless what you think of me, or what's happened, I want you to be happy, but with everything he's done, and who he is.. I just worry you'll end up like those people in Sokovia, or New York, or like the other women he's tossed to the side," he ventured, but didn't finish, and he didn't have too.
"And you thought it was in your best interest to tell the man I love, about your useless worrying?" I snarled, and popped my neck. Rage swiftly filled the veins in my body, and the urge to kill someone dotted my wet forehead with sweat, "you don't know shit about me, or Tony. You have no idea what we've been through.." I added through clenched teeth, "this place, you, Jesse, all of it would be gone! You have no idea how lucky you are, and to sit there and think you have some kind of say, all because we used to sleep together, or because some ill fated feelings you still have for me!" I shouted, and let my anger wash over my body, "I knew it back then, and I know it now! You're just like my father! Always talking shit, or thinking you know what's best! You were a stepping stone Nicholas, and I refused to end up like my mom!"
A harsh breath left my mouth, as his open hand smashed across the left side of my face, and forced me back a step. Everything quieted around us, even the rain, but it didn't stop tears from tracking down my cheeks. My cheek burned, and my teeth ached, but I lifted my head, and focused on his surprised face.
"Oh my god... I didn't..I'm sorry pequena," he babbled, while his eyes watered, and stepped forward, but I put up my hand, and forced him to stop, "(Y/n), no I didn't mean too, I'm so sorry, but..I.."
"Your father is the only reason you're still standing, but I want you off of my property, while it's still mine," I cautioned, and stood my ground, but a small sob reverberated in my throat.
"No (y/n), I didn't mean..you have no idea what's been..why would you say..," he tried to explain, but I shook my head and took another step back.
"I'm sure my father babbled the same apologies and excuses when he hit my mother that first time, but I'm not my mother Nicolas," I croaked, utterly broken and vulnerable to have someone I used to care for slap me. It brought back things I longed to forget, but they roared, leaving me at the mercy of memories, "you need to get the fuck out of here before I kill you," I whispered.
I opened the door, and quickly stumbled upstairs. I clenched my teeth to keep the sobs from escaping, and began throwing clothes into my bags. I grabbed the journals and pictures and tossed them into an old duffel from my closet.
The walls were closing in on me, and my cheek burned in the warmer air. Nothing prepared me for Nico's assault, but I saw his anger before, the night I left home, and it seemed to revolve all around me.
Yet, in a few terrifying minutes I felt like my mother, and it made me sick with fear.
I could hear them, hear the angry voices, the small hushed whimpers, leading me back to the night I was stuck under my bed, hiding, and hoping my father wouldn't find me in his drunken murderous stupor, only to end up an orphan, and changed for the rest of my life.