I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 32 Prepartion

Ten hours later, I was finally on my way home in order to shower, and get a few hours sleep before diving head first into the fray.
I walked into my cold apartment and collapsed onto my couch, without even taking my sweaty, blood stained uniform off. I closed my eyes, and thought about the dangerous road ahead of us all.

The last ten hours had been spent getting the helicarrier prepared, in the air, and splitting up the next missions to recruit the three men who would soon become Avengers. I also made the call to Natasha and let her know that Clint had been compromised, and we didn't know where he was, which made me sick.

The four of us; Coulson, Fury, Nat and I, had to find Banner, contact Tony, and recruit Captain Rogers all within the next 24 hours. Coulson and I had been given twelve hours to contact Stark, and deliver all the info we had on Captain Rogers, Thor, the Tesseract, and a doctor named Banner and his little anger problem.
I was so strung out I didn't even flinch when I was made privy to the man with an alter ego called the Hulk, but then again that was mundane compared to what I'd just seen.
Natasha was sent after Dr. Banner in Calcutta, while the Director made his way to Brooklyn for Captain Rogers. I made it known that I would like to be the one to contact Rogers, knowing how nonchalant Fury could be about the problem at hand, and partially because I didn't want to see Tony, but Fury refused.
The Director didn't mention Loki's interest in me, nor what he said, and I was grateful, but his eye followed me, which made the trepidation worse.
It was one of the many things I didn't want to think about, but it also made me wonder where Thor really was, since his brother was here raining down havoc.
Fury had made it clear that everyone's first priority was to locate Loki, and the cube, but at the moment all I wanted was a hot shower, food, comfort and some sleep for a few hours in my own bed. I needed time to get a hold of my own fear, and what Loki said, but I had a feeling that fear was going to follow me, forever.

As I sat there on my couch, I was finally able let our situation spread out in front of me. My heart sped up in my chest and I couldn't deny the massive amount of adrenaline and fear still pulsing through my veins. My eyes itched, and my body burned, as if something needed to be released, or I needed to work out, but I didn't know if it was my own fear, or something else.
My grandma's whispers before we headed back to Washington didn't help. I felt like I was going insane, maybe the fear, and shock was causing me to hallucinate, which was bullshit, because it'd happened before. 
This was bigger than anything I'd experienced, even after spending time with Iron Man and helping Tony fight his baddies. I still wasn't prepared to see another god of Asgard kill our agents, enslave one of my best friends, and nearly kill us all.
No one knew what Loki was planning, but with the Tesseract's shady history, we assumed it was going to be bad. Hell, I knew it was going to be bad after what I saw take fruition at the JDE facility.

Gasps escaped my mouth while I sat back, and repeated what Loki said to me. I had half the nerve to call Rhodey, just to hear his familiar voice, and get some advice, but as the military's new Iron Patriot, he had his own battles to fight, and I didn't want to get him involved in whatever was happening.

Sitting there in the overwhelming silence, the broken and scarred pieces of myself quietly ached for my nanita, for Nat, and strangely Phil's presence.
Throughout all this, he was calm, and  reassuring, but I wasn't ready for the guilt that came along with it.
Tony was gone, and I hadn't spoken to him since before Thor and New Mexico, it'd almost been a year now, nine or ten months, but that didn't mean he and Pep hadn't tried.
Short texts and wordless voice mails still came in at least once every other week, but I never responded, I couldn't, not while it still hurt, and I was still trying to move forward with this new life. Plus, work, Natasha, and Clint made it easy to disregard those familiar faces, and I was beginning to think I was in the right place, at least that what it felt like, which I couldn't explain. I loved my friend's, and the work. I was doing what I was meant to, finally, regardless if being around the Tesseract set me back a step or two.
The large amount of emotions wreaked havoc on me daily, but were painstakingly pushed aside so I could work, nonetheless, I had a job to do, but after the few months and last twelve hours, I needed comfort, and I gasped as I realized I wanted it from my friends and Phil. It startled me, made me feel weak for a moment, but could admit I missed Coulson and Barton, and I needed to get him back, but just the thought of seeing Tony again, to deliver our intel, made my chest tingle and ache at the same time. I still got butterflies when I thought about him, saw his face on TV, or his number on my phone, but they also began to thump lightly with Phil.
I still longed to see Tony's brown eyes or hear his laugh, but I wanted Nat's strength and Coulson's comforting words, his safety, and humor.
What I needed was probably still at HQ, running around being a team leader.
The realization hit me so fast, that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally started to move on, only to end up caring about Phil. Or maybe it was the horrible feeling of dread, and seeing one of my best friends shoot our boss that gave me the push, nevertheless, it was there, Phil was there.
I was so lost and conflicted, making my situation worse by thinking of Tony, and Phil. I had more important things to think about, besides my love life, like finding Clint, and figuring out just what the hell Loki, god of mischief and mayhem wanted not only with the Tesseract, but with me.