I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 67 Shadow

"(Y/n), are you alright?" Thor asked, surprising me as I stood near one of the large glass window panes. The city was beautiful at night, and even after a few years in New York, I still hadn't grown accustomed to the lights that twinkled and shined throughout the night.
My reaction to the name, which had followed me since I was a child, wasn't the one I expected, but the last person to call me that was Loki, just as Phil died in my arms. It seemed so long ago, and for people like us, soldiers, it was.
Almost a life time had passed, and while it did get easier to forego the pain of loss, the memories were still there, just waiting to ruin my day. It had been over a year since I last visited Phil's plaque, but my memories of him were still there, yet hearing the name 'shadow', just brought all the blood, nightmares, the struggles to survive, and the whispers. It'd only already been almost two years since he was killed, and the rush of guilt I'd felt since that day, came back with a vengeance.
My unease just reiterated how unsteady I still was, and it was made worse by the way Tony and I felt about each other. It also reinvigorated my need for time, time to try even harder to look forward, like Natasha continually reminded me to do, and while I agreed with her and Steve about moving forward, little questions about my own happiness whispered in the background of my mind.
'With everything I've been through, is it too much to dream of some peace, don't I deserve something other than war?', I thought to myself, as I wiped my face.

"(Y/n)?" The Prince of Asgard's voice was so soft and inviting that it had me blurting out my misgivings so easily.

"That day, before he died, Phil and I, we were standing in front of a window just like this one, right after I knocked Tony on his ass," I hummed, sighing and moved closer to the window.
"I remember, along with the Captain's shock," he snickered, and gave me a brief smile, "you knocked him out with one punch (y/n), in front of everyone," he continued, giving me a bigger smile.
"I have some unresolved anger issues," I huffed, but gave him a smile. Thor looked completley different in relaxed clothes. It reminded me of New Mexico, "he's lucky it was just one."
"Well, shield-maiden, I'd have to agree with you," he shrugged, "but when it comes to Stark, I'm sure he deserved it."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave in the middle of your meeting like that, I'm just still coming to grips with everything that's happening. You know, I can't wait till I can stop saying that. It's stupid to let something like that bother me, but it brought back everything that happened in New York, and after," I stated softly, while I wrapped my arms around my stomach, "Loki called me a shadow before he killed Phil, so did one of Tony's baddies while he electrocuted me, and tortured me to get to him. It seems they all knew something about me before I did, even Fury and my grandmother have stated so."

"Loki has a way of seeing such things, but he's usually wrong about people, humans especially," he uttered, surprising me when he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze, "my brother wasn't always like this, and I used to blame myself and my father, but we are no longer children, shaped by the decisions our parents made. Loki had a choice, just as I do, and as do you. You have a choice to become who ever you want to be, and fight on whatever side you believe is right," he paused and looked back out the window, "like the Captain with Sergeant Barnes, I believed Loki could be saved, and that led me on a path no one could foresee. In all my years, I would never of believed I would be here, fighting alongside midguardians, yet here I am. Still fighting for what is right, just as you are, and no one has been able to change that, not even Loki."
I took a moment to let his words sink in, but it was more than that, "Thor, I've never had a problem deciding what's right, and what's wrong. I've always believed in honor and loyalty, but I come from a long line of death and destruction, there's something else..in here..," I started, but Thor interrupted.
"That is because you are a true shieldmaden of Midgard. In adversity you have prevailed. In death and loss, you have prevailed. Shadows can always be killed by the light, and while they may return, or lurk in the foreground, strength, and honor will always be with you," he lamented. I gasped when he kneeled down in front of me, and held my hand to his heart, "Coulson's death does not just reside with you, but me as well, and I have never asked for your forgiveness for letting Loki take him from you...."
My stomach clenched, as if he'd hit me. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine. I couldn't stop Loki. Thor was no more at fault as a tree falling in the wind.
"Thor...it wasn't you... It was Loki, and I wasn't strong enough to..." I sighed, "there's nothing to forgive. You can't let one death at the hands of your brother consume you." I stuttered quietly, feeling the tears crest my lashes.
A bright smile flashed over his face, "then you shouldn't either."
I frowned, but gave into his smile, and let my own pepper my lips, "it's not the same."
"Of course it is. Loki is good at many things, and manipulating minds is one of them. Coulson died with honor, a warriors death. He is walking and feasting in the halls of Valhalla," he bellowed happily, "we all have mourned, but we cannot mourn forever, my lady.. there's still so much living to do."