I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 65 Bad Dreams

Week Later

It'd been almost a week with little to no word from Tony, after our heated confrontation in my bedroom. He had, for all intensive purposes, locked himself in his lab, in order to find Loki's sceptor. Only Bruce, Steve, and somehow Natasha, were allowed in.

While it hurt, especially at night when the nightmares of a metal hand, and a closed door, would wake me up in a cold sweat, after my conversation with Pep, and later, Steve, I did feel a little bit better, relieved that I was unable to unleash my reticence. Everything I spewed forth needed to be said, no matter how I felt, or what Tony said, I needed time.
Time to figure out what the fuck I was doing, and where I was going, because in the three months I was out, decisions had been taken out of my hands and made for me.
The team was moving along so fast, but I was still stuck firmly in the grips of that dark water outside of the Treskilion, and surrounded by my questions about the whispers, the burning that seemed to never end. 
Parts of me weighed heavily with guilt, not only because after all Tony had done for me, and I couldn't give him what he wanted, even though it was something I'd wanted for years, no, the regret pressed down on me on most days because of Pep and Phil.
If I knew anything about Phil and Pep, they would of wanted me to be happy, but one of the many things I hadn't shared with Steve, Nat, or even Tony, was I was scared.
Yes, I feared Tony would just break my heart again, but it was more than that. SHIELD was gone, Fury was gone, but the threats inevitably stayed the same, and Barnes was still out there. I took into account he didn't finish his mission, but that didn't stop the nightmares, nor the constant wondering if he'd come back. The nightmares and constant worrying just reinvigorated some innate fear inside my stomach, and I had yet found a way to relieve it.
The team tried to reassure me constantly, that everything would be okay, but I nodded my acquiescence and kept myself busy.
Throughout the week though, my mind fluttered between wonderment and trepidation, especially when it came to Tony.
What would moving forward even look like for us?
It had been a long time since I thought about a future, let alone one with Tony, but it sloshed through my kind along with a million other things. My thoughts kept rushing back and forth, thinking about Tony, Pepper, and Bucky.
I had been through too much to just let Tony walk back into my life and demand a relationship. He had no idea what was going on in my head, nor the constant struggle which infected everything and everyone I touched. Maybe he'd never understand, because he refused to give me a chance to explain, and regardless who he was, we had just been through to damn much these past few years and he was still an egotistical ass.
So, I tried to push Tony to the back of my mind, and everybody seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because they didn't bring him up, at least not in a way pertaining to us, or the harsh conversation in my bedroom.

Instead, to keep my mind off Tony, and my nightmares, I spent the rest of the week looking over the thousands of SHIELD files Nat made public. Then moving onto the info we had on Loki's stolen Sceptor, and the fast approaching holidays.
I also tried filtering through the file Fury and Hill had accumulated on me, which was eye opening and a little disconcerting.
The things they thought I could do were insane, and just too strange to be true. I didn't remember my little break down on the carrier after Phil died, but Fury made note of the carrier suffering from extreme turbulence, equipment falling over, and a blistering heat pouring off my body. I refused to read too much into it, because I didn't remember seeing or feeling any of that, and for all we know, it could of been the ship itself.
At least that's what I told myself in order to try and forget the correlations made between my odd episodes and my missions.
I looked over the history they made of my grandmother, mother and myself, still reeling with the idea that my nanita knew something about me, and what I could do about it.
I was even playing with the idea of going home, to Santa Maria, and going through her stuff, just to see if it would help me understand what was going on. I'd never heard of the word empath, or the others, until it showed up in my file, but I had heard of enhanced, which was also there, but refused to dive any further than that, since that was just insane, and concentrated on my job.
When I wasn't buried in files, I worked out with Clint and Steve, slowly regaining my abilities and strength.
I went out with Natasha, Thor and/or Steve, to eat, or shop.
I watched while Nat trained with Bruce, using her experience, and, I'm assuming, their attraction to each other, in order to calm the Hulk down. It was actually quite beautiful to watch, and a little uncomfortable, with how private it felt.
I video chatted with Rhodey, and dodged his questions about Tony.
I rearranged my bedroom.
I went to a nearby salon and dyed the bottom of my hair grey.
I caught up on shows I missed, and read the books on my shelves, I hadn't picked up since I joined SHIELD.
I filled my days with all I could, holding out hope Tony would sooner or later understand why I needed time, but after a long week had gone by, I began to lose the small inkling of hope and drive I was clinging too.