I'm Iron Man, And I'm Agent Coulson

Chapter 84 Pessimist

I woke up with a headache, and in stiff, dirty clothes. I quickly sat up, immediately regretting the sudden movement, and momentarily forgot where I was. My phone buzzed, giving off the only light since the rain clouds still hovered over the house, but I looked around my room, slowly remembering I was in Oceano. The intense sadness sat heavily in my stomach as I thought about last night. With a clear head I was surprised my childhood home was still standing, and left almost exactly the same. I was grateful to both Jesse and Nico, for what they'd done, but it just reiterated how much I really left behind. I felt more like a spoiled child who had a tantrum that lasted eleven years, only to discover I was wrong, about everything.
When I was younger I told myself I left because I wanted something more than taking care of animals, or staying near the local town, and raising kids. Yet, once I was fully established in the marines, I could admit the real reason was I didn't want to end up like my mother, or grandmother. I didn't want to hear my nanita's daily reminders or warnings of things to come, and I didn't want to get stuck in a loveless marriage and suffer the same fate as my mom.
I didn't want any part or it, and it took me a long time to concede I really didn't have an option, but to leave. Then after Vanko, Loki, and Wanda, I knew I'd made the wrong choice by staying away, and I was going to suffer with that information for the rest of my life.
I said I didn't believe, and refused to dwell on whatever lived in me, because it was useless, but being here, surrounded by her smell, and things, tore that resolve into tatters.
I put my boots on the hardwood floor, a little miffed I'd tracked mud throughout the room, and onto my bed. Dishes moved around downstairs, and let out my held breath. The last thing I wanted was company right now, even if it was an old friend and my godfather.
I hadn't seen or talked to them in years, and I was a little wary how they were going to treat me, regardless how friendly they were last night.

Before I left for the marines, the last conversation between Nico and I wasn't a good one. My grandmother and Jesse had to come outside because he wouldn't let me get into my truck to leave. Nico and I had been through a lot, and while he was one of the few I let get close to me, and who didn't fear me, in the end, I couldn't give him what he wanted.

I glanced at my mirror and saw the last picture we'd taken together right after we graduated high school. Of course my nanita was the only one who knew I was leaving later on that same week for basic training, but when I finally did tell him and Jesse, Nico did everything he could to get me to stay.
He promised me a happy life, one filled with children, love, and a home. He even got down on one knee and proposed with his high school ring. It broke my heart when I had to tell him he wasn't enough for me to stay. I didn't love him, not like that, even though we had slipped into the comfort of sleeping with each other. He didn't understand that the simple life wasn't something I wanted, it was something I feared, and he erupted into a violent rage, once he realized I wasn't going to stay. It also didn't help that my parents were high school sweethearts, and their relationship only ended in blood and gunfire.
The simple life scared the hell out of me, but with Tony, there'd be no simple life, and I was okay with that fact.
My face fell and the normal need I always had for Tony's presence, engulfed my chest.
I grabbed my phone, and frowned when I saw dozens of missed calls and texts from Natasha, Steve, and Rhodey. I opened the first text but a knock on the door forced me out of bed.
"Are you awake yet? It's almost two in the afternoon?" Nico called out.
"Yah, I'm up," I replied and slipped my phone into my back pocket, "are my bags still in the truck?" I stated, and slowly opened the door.
Nico was dressed in a police uniform, and handed me a cup of hot coffee, with a smile, "afternoon, and you look better, and they're right here," he mentioned, and kicked my two large duffel bags into my room, "this looks good on me huh?"
"The fact that someone licensed you to carry a weapon is beyond me," I shrugged, grabbed my bags, and dumped them on the dirty bed.
"Well not all of us can handle the responsibility of saving the world," he retorted petulantly, and smoothed down his dark hair.
I could feel his eyes on my back while I started to pull out some clean clothes, and the charger to my phone. The silence made me uncomfortable, cause I didn't know what to say. I didn't expect to see him nor Jesse again. In fact, I hadn't really given them a thought since I left basic training, which again, made me feel worse than I already did.
"It's been a long time (y/n) but you alright?" He asked after a few minutes of silence, "you were pretty messed up last night, and you showed up put of nowhere.."
He took a step into my room as I turned around, and sat down on my bed. His eyes glanced at my vanity, but quickly looked away and focused on me.
"And you almost killed me last night," he scoffed, and leaned back. 
"Well that's what you get for coming at me with a twenty-two, you're lucky I didn't have my gun or knife on me," I quipped, and shrugged my tense shoulders.
"Touche, but seriously," he sighed, and knelt down in front of me. I slid back from his warmth, but he didn't seem to care.
"It's really good to see you bebe," He sighed, "but are you sure you're okay, do you wanna talk about it?"
I met his gaze and focused on his green eyes. They hadn't changed since the day I left.
"I honestly don't know right now, I'm surprised to see you, and Jesse here after all this time," I stammered, and put my elbows on my knees, "but I thought if I could see this place, touch it.. I might find some answers..."
"To what questions?" He inquired blatantly.
"Have you always been this nosy?" I hissed, and stood up so I could move away from his body. I stopped at the window and peered outside. The lawn was a deep green, and the large oaks were dropping some of their leaves, turning the ground into a kaleidoscope of colors, but the big yard hadn't changed, neither had the fences or trees.
"Yes and no," he grinned, "it's just, you show up here with no warning, upset, by yourself, soaking wet, and fall apart as soon as you stepped inside," he added, and put up his hand when I started to interrupt him, "I've seen the news, I know you just got back from some bad shit, and I'm happy you've finally come home, we all are, I just want to make sure you're going to be okay? You may have been gone all this time, but I haven't changed much, so I'm sure I can keep up with whatever you feel like sharing. You came here for a reason, and if it's answers you want, I don't have a problem helping you find them."
I crossed my arms over my chest, and put my aching forehead against the cold glass. I wasn't ready to share my inner most feelings with someone I used to know, at least not yet, but to be honest I didn't know if I was going to be alright. I was lonely, already missing Tony, and just overwhelmed by being home.
"I left her, and everyone I knew behind," I whispered, "I have a life in New York, but...I needed to come home. I've been gone too long, and I needed to feel her, and hopefully find some peace away from the chaos." I left out that I was also going to look for answers, in order to make sense of what she continued to tell me after she was gone.
Nico was quiet behind me, but his hand slipped onto my shoulder and squeezed, "home is home pequena, and she knew who you were gonna be. She was so proud when you sent her Polaroids of your first flight. She loved you, and never blamed you for leaving," he paused, and stepped next to me at the window, "I don't blame you for leaving."
"Nico, now's really not the time to do this..." I rebutted, but stayed next to him at the window, "I'm exhausted, and have a lot running through my mind right now."
"Hey, I've been waiting over ten years to tell you I'm sorry about that night, but seeing you on TV, and what you've accomplished... you were right to leave, and I shouldn't of tried to force you to stay," he confessed, and nudged my shoulder.
"That was a pretty bad night," I sighed, and nudged him back, "but I guess I can forgive you, besides I'm sure you found someone more worthy of you than I ever was."
"No, not really," he blurted out, and cleared his throat. He quickly looked at his watch and stepped back, "I.. I need to get to the station. Why don't you let me take you out to dinner tonight, and I'll show you what's changed in this one horse town?"
"Uh, yah, I don't think that's such a good idea..." I murmured, and recoiled from his invitation, "I just got here..."
This was a little too familiar, and didn't want to give him the wrong idea about why I was there. Besides, as far as I was concerned we were strangers, separated by years of near misses and life. He didn't know, and I didn't know him, and the last thing I wanted was to have him think I was here for him, or for his comfort.
"Don't worry, I promise I'll be on my best behavior, scouts honor," he scoffed, and headed for the door, "it's not like you brought a boyfriend, and there's nothing wrong with an old friend showing you what you missed while you were busy saving the world."
"Well.. I kinda..." I stuttered, and licked my lips nervously.
"You have a boyfriend? It's Captain America isn't it? I knew it!" He babbled, and fidgeted in the hall. His demeanor completely changed, and he acted more like an excited kid, than a man, "oh man, can you get me his autograph. Yes, the guys at the station owe me fifty bucks each!"
"What the hell's the matter with you?" I growled, but snickered as he continued to hoop and holler, "why would you think its Steve?"
"And you call him Steve?!" He gasped in surprise.
"You're kidding me right, what're you twelve?" I scoffed, and rolled my eyes at his investment in my love life, "what the shit Nico."
"No, but, you remember our old English teacher, Mrs. Duffy?" He asked excitedly.
"Holy shit Mcduffy's still alive?" I questioned, and relaxed against the window.
"Yep, well she..uh.. she kinda started a little fan club about you. You know, small town girl makes it big, kinda thing," he continued, although my mouth dropped open in surprise, "anyways, she's been following your career since you left the marines, and posts pictures to the school website when you pop up on the news or in magazines. You're not the only person she does it with...uh. There's a few people who've made it to the Olympics, one of the kids who lived down the street from our house house became a professional football player, and what's her face, she was a grade below us, but she was dating Hugh Hefner.."
"Whoa whoa...are you serious, and ew?" I stammered, "thats really weird, goddamn creepers, all of you."
"Again, touche, but she posted pictures from a month ago. It had you and Captain America out for a run, then grabbing a late breakfast or lunch or whatever, there's actually quite a few pictures of you, him, and the red head, so we all just assumed..." he paused and gave me a sly smile, "are you? Even if you're not I'm gonna say you are, that's like $500.00 bucks in my pocket."
"Do you have any idea how creepy that is?" I scolded, but burst into laughter when his smile fell, "Jesus Christ, and I'm not gonna answer that, or any more of your questions till I see some of that $500.00 bucks in your hand."
"Deal," he shrieked, "then I'll see you tonight after I get off work."
"I didn't agree to go out with you tonight," I decreed, as he headed down the stairs.
"Yah, see, I chose not to hear that," he called back and closed the front door behind him.
I snorted, and began changing into some workout clothes, thinking about ways to get out of dinner. My phone buzzed again and again, until I finally slipped my yoga pants on and sat down on my bed. Natasha's face lit up the screen, and according to my phone this was the seventeenth call I missed.
I opened the facetime app, and sat back, "yes, yes I know I forgot to call you last night when I got in, but I had a nervous breakdown almost as soon as...I.. why're you looking at me like that?"
"Are you alright?" She asked, and shushed someone next to her. Her face was marked by a constant frown, and I could make out the facility behind her.
"Uh yah, it was a little hard to take in.. I mean as soon as I got here I was already so overwhelmed, but that's expected right?" I asked, seeing her open her mouth to say something, then closed it.
"So.. you talked to Tony, and everything's fine?" She questioned again.
"What the fuck's the matter with everyone talking in riddles and shit, and no I haven't talked to Tony yet," I countered, automatically recognizing the calm facade slip over her face, the one she usually carried around for the public, "what the fuck's going on, Red?"
"See, I told you not to call her!" I heard Rhodey yell out from the side.
"Why's Rhodey yelling?" I asked, still waiting to see what the hell was going on.
"You called her too, ass," she snarled.
"Yah, to make sure she got there alright!" James yelled back.
"Okay, enough with the marital disputes. Jesus, you guy's only been training together for a little over a week, and already driving me insane. Cap must be besides himself," I lamented.
"Oh I am..." Steve piped up.
"Okay, wow, so you guy's wanna explain to me why I have the pleasure of receiving a call from half of the team?" I snapped, while I dropped my phone on the bed, and slipped on my running shoes, "did something happen to Tony?"
I stopped tying my shoe when neither of them answered. My heart dropped, and I quickly grabbed my phone and stood up.
"What happened?" I demanded, and focused on her eyes, "now Natalia!"
"She's first naming you, she's pissed," Rhodes commented.
Natasha walked for a little bit, and I tapped my foot in annoyance, "do I need to come back to New York?"
"No, no," she sighed, and fidgeted with her hair, "it's just, I know how you get in these situations, always jumping to the wrong conclusions, and I was just worried about you."
"You're not answering my question Natasha," I hissed, and paced around my room. It suddenly felt too small, and my chest was tightening with fear.
She sighed again, "I really need to learn how to mind my own business.."
"Natasha!" I yelled.
"Alright, alright," she uttered, "some pictures showed up in the papers and all over the net..."
"I told him we should of taken separate cars to the hearing," I moaned, and instantly deflated, "I wanted to wait a little while longer before we were seen together...but.."
"No, not of you, but with Pepper at the Gala last night," she rushed out, "among a few other things."
"Oh," I faltered, sensing the tear in my heart begin to reopen, "well I assumed she was gonna be there, since the banquet was a donation ceremony for the foundation," I added, but immediately shrunk her call box down. I brought up the internet and typed in Tony's name. I didn't even have to press search when new pictures of Pepper and Tony dancing together blew up the screen. They hadn't been seen together in over eight months, but last night seemed to alleviate any doubts people were starting to have about their relationship.
"Honey don't worry about it, James talked to Tony, and the pictures were taken out or context," Nat promised, but I kept scrolling, seeing the smiles on both their faces and the way Tony held onto her. My empty stomach heaved, when another picture of her kissing his cheek, while she gave him a hug near his car, opened up.
The stupid hashtags only made it worse. #relationshipgoals #trulove #pepperony.
I sat back down on my bed, and forced the tears away. I wanted to believe what Nat said, because while Tony wasn't the affectionate type, he was, with me. He was different with me, and he promised.
He promised me, I was where he wanted to be, and I believed that with everything I had, but thirty years of bad shit, and death, forced me to believe otherwise.
For a few seconds I was standing in a small computer room, bleeding from the multiple cuts made by Vanko, as I watched the one thing I wanted most, choose a different path, one that left me by the wayside.
"Hey, look at me, focus on my face," Natasha ordered, and moved her own face closer to the screen, "I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong cectpa, don't do this."
"I need to go," I whispered, "it's fine Tasha, I'll call you later.."
"No, (y/n) wait," she started but I'd already hung up.
My phone rang again, and again, but I was too busy looking at the way he held Pepper so close to his body. A body that had been holding mine not even twenty-four hours earlier. Two sides of my brain argued, and fought for dominance, and after twenty minutes of silence, the shadowed side won.
I stared at my phone while my fingers hesitated over Tony's name.
What could I say?
I mean Natasha was right, I was usually the pessimist, when it came to situations like these, but it came from learned experience. The hope I'd been carrying for so long flickered in my chest, even though a small voice demanded I listen to Natasha, but I never did. It didn't help I was across the country, unable to do much about it, and stuck with the memories of the past.
I opened the texting feature, and from hundreds of miles away, let it out.