Imagine If You Assembled The Avengers: Volume 2

Close Your Eyes (Part 6: Steve Rogers)

Follow up to Part 1 with Bucky (also in this book)

"What do you mean, you're leaving? Steve, you promised Bucky that you would stay here, not run off back into the war that killed him. What do you think that he would say right now if he knew what you were doing?"

"He would say that he would understand why I needed to go. He would know that I need to stop them, (Y/N). Don't you want the people that took Buck away to pay for that? I'm the only one who can make that happen!"

"Right..." you huffed, pushing your fists against his chest as your tears flowed freely down your cheeks, "only you, Steve. There's an entire army out there fighting the battle everyday, but only you can do it. This is the same attitude that you had before you turned into this," you stopped, waving your hand over his muscular form, "you're still acting like you have something to prove and you don't!"

"This isn't about proving anything, (Y/N)," he answered much more softly, trying to catch your hands as he spoke, "this is about doing what's right. I'm doing this for you too."

"Don't do me any favors," you spat angrily. "And don't you dare send someone to my door with a letter telling me how sorry you were after you're gone. I won't read it."

"(Y/N)..."

"I won't."

Steve pulled his hands away and dropped them to his sides, his entire body looking defeated and his shoulders hunched heavily. He was the one next to you when Bucky had said goodbye to you through a letter, and he knew how much it hurt you to be robbed of your final words with the man you loved so much. Your anger now wasn't fully directed at him, but to Bucky as well, for choosing the war over you just as he had to do now.

"(Y/N), I'm sorry. This is what I have to do, and I know that deep down you understand. You know I wouldn't do this if I had any other choice."

The two of you stood in silence, you staring at the floor with your arms hugging yourself tightly, Steve pressing back against the door and waiting for you to respond; to say anything that would tell him that you would be okay. When nothing came, he took the few steps forward that were between you, pulling your reluctant form into him with enveloping arms. You pushed against him at first, but when you were no match for his strength, you gave in and accepted him, only to find that you now didn't want to let him go.

"I'll never forgive you if you die out there," you whispered into his chest, your tears soaking into the heavy material of his uniform. "You're all that I have left, Steve."

~~~

Forgive me.

The first line of the letter that you swore to him that you wouldn't read dropped you to your knees in front of the officer still standing in your doorway. He had notified many people of the deaths of their loved ones in all of his years, but this one struck him the hardest, having been a first-hand witness to the kind of man that Steve Rogers was and knowing what he must have meant to those close to him.

"Ma'am, let me help you," Colonel Phillips offered quietly with a gentleness in his voice as he reached down and took your arm to lead you to the couch. "I am very sorry to bring this news to you."

"I knew it," you panted between your tears, "I told him..."

"He died a hero."

"Do you think I care?" you snapped, wiping your tears angrily away. "That means nothing to me. Bucky died a hero too, but do you think that's any consolation to me when I wake up every day knowing that I'll never see him again? Telling me that Steve died a hero too is just one more insult."

The Colonel's expression dropped and his mouth hung open slightly for just a second as your words sunk in and he realized who he was talking to. He hadn't put it all together until now. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you knew Sergeant Barnes. I didn't know." He sat on the arm rest of the couch on the far end from you, not knowing how to comfort you when you had been so thoroughly hurt by two men who had been following his command when they were lost. He saw the delicate ring on your left hand and sucked in a deep breath, "were you and Barnes engaged?"

"He never had a chance to ask me, thanks to you."

"Yes, ma'am."

You sat silently for a few minutes, deciding if you wanted to read what Steve had written to you, despite your original insistence that you wouldn't. Collecting your nerves and silencing your tears, your hands still shook as you opened the paper again. The only sounds in the room were that of yours and the Colonel's breathing, but he seemed to be holding his as he watched you begin.

I thought you said you weren't going to read this.

"You little shit," you mumbled, continuing on.

But since you are, let me put this out there right away. You did your best to stop me. You did everything you could, and I didn't listen. You made the decision to hang with the two most stubborn men in Brooklyn, but this decision was completely on me.

I know that I promised Buck that I would stay with you, but he would understand this. Or at least I think he would.

"No he wouldn't."

Well, maybe he wouldn't. You were the most important thing in the world to him, and if he knew that I left you behind to get revenge, he'd never let me hear the end of it. But, (Y/N), you don't need me. I think I realized that when I watched you read his letter. You were stronger than I was, and the thought that you would need me to stay with you felt ridiculous. I stayed because I needed you, and I left to prove to myself that I could be without you.

"Okay," you sighed, folding the letter without reading further, "thank you for your time, Colonel, but you can go." You stood with an arm extended towards the door, leading him out quickly.

"Yes, of course. If you should need anything, here," he paused, reaching into his pocket and removing a small card and his pen, quickly scribbling a few words, "this is my information, and Agent Peggy Carter's, who can provide any services that you may require."

"Thank you."

He paused at the open door as you held it for him, turning back with a look of regret crossing his face, and you felt bad for him; he had lost far more people than the two he was apologizing to you for, and the job he was doing right now was just one more in that long list of names. When he held out his hand for a final shake before taking his leave, you took it and pulled him towards you, hugging a man who was clearly uncomfortable with the intimate moment.

"I'm sorry for your loss too, sir."

"Thank...you," he replied quietly, exhaling heavily with the pent up emotions that he had refused to acknowledge, but that you had just told him that it was okay to have. "Thank you so much." He pulled back with a sniffle and a subtle nod, leaving without saying any more.

You returned to the couch and opened the letter again, your tears threatening to spill before you read another word. You had an idea of what was coming, and didn't want the Colonel there when your suspicions were found true.

Buck knew. He knew how I felt, but he never said anything to me because he didn't want it to be real. But it was, (Y/N). When he asked me to be there for you if anything happened to him, I promised eagerly, deluded in the fantasy that you would forget him and see me how I saw you. I was such an idiot to think that, and the only way to get my head right was to leave. I needed to stop Hydra, yes, but I needed to stop myself too. You know what the joke of it all was? It didn't work. It only made me miss you more.

It's nothing that you did, and nothing that you could have stopped. I wasn't even going to tell you, but when I knew that there was a chance that I might not come back from this, I needed at least one chance to say it. I couldn't look at my own death with any regrets, and even if I couldn't be man enough to say it to you in person, I couldn't leave this world without saying it at all.

I love you.