Imagine If You Assembled The Avengers: Volume 2

Close Your Eyes (Barnes x reader)

Angst warning

Your best friend stood before you, dressed in his formal uniform with crisp seams and folds, the material hugging his newly developed muscles to show every outline of the man newly known as Captain America. He was the picture of health and vitality now; a definitive contrast to the smaller frame and sickly form he had taken since you had met him years ago. He stood in your doorway with his jaw set and his normally shining blue eyes gazing upon you with a dullness and lack of reflection that aged him and made him feel so distant that he seemed unreachable. Steve opened his mouth to speak after the uncomfortable silence became too much, but stopped, reaching into his coat for a crumpled envelope that he extended towards you with a tremulous hand.

"I'm supposed to give this to you."

"Okay," you sighed, turning the paper over in your hand, smiling at the thought of Steve trying to straighten in and remove the wrinkles in it before giving it to you. You could see that this was something that had been in harsh conditions and carried with determination to not lose it. It had been passed between his hands, into and out of his pack, and spread across dirty tables so many times that you could almost read his experiences without a word read. "Can you stay?"

Steve only nodded silently, remaining in place at the door as he watched you slide your finger slowly under the flap, the sounds of the tearing paper echoing in your ears. You startled slightly at the sting of it making a small cut in your skin, with Steve reacting to you but not moving as if he were frozen in place. You reflexively took your finger into your mouth, sucking away the small drop of blood that was left behind.

The paper inside was worn, laden with his fingerprints and the haze of a dirty war covering the once white surface. But somehow, and just barely, when you opened the letter you swore that you could smell him washing over you. You hadn't read even one word, one syllable, and the tears were already stinging at your lids, moistening your lashes with the threat of falling on the letters he had so carefully written to you.

'Hey, darlin',

Before we start, take a look at that sorry sack standing at your door. Go ahead, look. I'll wait.'

You lowered the letter slightly and peered over it at Steve, as you were told, but he wouldn't meet your eyes now that you were reading the words that even he didn't want to see. He took a step back and pressed himself to the door, thrusting his hands deep into his pockets and looking at the floor. His body seemed so much smaller than the last time you had seen him, before they left; when he was confident, his friend returned to his side, and so much younger than the man standing here now.

'He's not doing so good, doll. I'm gonna need you to help him, alright? Our Stevie doesn't do so swell on his own, you know that, so I really need you to promise me that you'll stick by him. He's not gonna be okay for a long time. Tell him to sit down before he falls over.'

"Steve, you should sit."

Once he was settled on your couch to your satisfaction, his posture still rigid, you turned your attention back to the words in your hands.

'So it turns out that this whole war thing that you warned us about isn't going so hot. I suppose this is what I get for not listening to you again, right? Belly down in a ditch, covered in mud, stuck next to the guy sitting in front of you right now because I just couldn't leave his side. No matter how big that kid gets, he's always gonna be that little punk to me.'

'Alright, sweetheart, let's get down to it. You're reading this because I'm not coming home, and I know that you've already figured that out, but I had to say it so you would start to accept it. Believe me, (Y/N), I don't like it any more than you do. I had plans. Big plans. I don't think I can stop thinking about you and what I wanted for our life, so I thought that maybe if I wrote this all down then I could clear my head. Maybe then I could focus on this stupid job. Maybe then I could focus on getting home, but as you can see, that didn't work out so well for me.'

'Do something for me. Go sit next to him so he can put that overgrown arm of his around you for a minute. No funny business, (Y/N). You never know for sure, I might be watching you.'

"Jerk," you mumbled to yourself, glancing up from the paper to position yourself next to Steve, and just as predicted, his arm wrapped behind you and pulled you in next to him. You felt his uneven and warm breaths against your hair as he kissed it through his quiet cries. Closing your eyes for just a moment to gather yourself, you pressed yourself tighter against him and laid your head on his broad shoulder.

'This is where it's gonna get rough, doll, so bear with me. I couldn't leave you without telling you that I love you just one more time. I couldn't leave you without telling you that from the first day when I laid eyes on you, I knew you were the one, and I've been totally gone for you ever since. I couldn't leave you without telling you there's a ring in the back of the drawer next to my side of the bed, and I would be so happy if you would still wear it for me. I'm sorry that I'm not there to fulfill that promise, (Y/N). I'm so sorry to break my word to you.'

'Making you happy was all that mattered, and I couldn't believe that you chose me to be the one to do it. Hell, I still can't. You are my heart, and I hope that I'm yours, but I need you to promise me that you'll keep on without me.'

'Say it, babe.'

"I promise," you whispered, hearing the breath catch in Steve's chest as if he knew what you were saying. "Steve, did he have you read this?"

"Yeah, he insisted on it. He can't spell for shit," he chuckled with a cracking voice and a small cough to clear the painful dryness from this throat. His arm tightened around you and he nodded for you to finish.

'Atta girl.

I've asked Steve to stay with you for a while if something like this were to happen, but not because I think you need him, alright? I can see that look on your face, so relax already. That look never scared me anyway, just so ya know. Asking him to stay is as much for him as for you, so just keep each other going, keep each other safe, and do it for me. That's all I'm gonna ask for here. I want you guys to find people who make you as happy as you've made me, and who love you as much as I have. I want you to live a life, (Y/N).'

'Okay, baby girl, I need to go. It's getting dark here and I can hear the guy on your left snoring. Well not snoring next to you right now, but next to me here while I'm crying like a kid at the thought that I'll never see you again. I'm glad he's asleep for this, because I'm a mess and he needs me to be strong. Always has.'

'Chin up, soldier? Isn't that what they say? Suppose I'll give it a try. I need to do everything I can so that you never have to read this, because just the thought of what it would do to you is killing me. I need to come home to you.'

Forever yours,

Buck