Dark night of the soul

Chapter 139

No, the glass is never half full for me.

It is always half empty.

Life is simply never half full, never bright, never easy. It's a struggle everyday. Everyday I wake up and I tell myself that I'm going to make the most of the day ahead, no matter what but I always end up falling asleep with a tear stained face and bad memories running around my head. Everything just seems so.. Dark

It's like he's controlling my thoughts, controlling me. He's taking over everything I have worked for.
He's the monster under my bed. The only person or thing I am scared of.

I cannot escape him for every time I close my eyes he is there, waiting for me to fall asleep so he can torture me more. So he can show me the flashbacks and show me what he could have done to me.

And every time, it's so surreal. I can feel his grip, I can feel the blood, smell the alcohol in his breath, taste bile in my mouth...

Sometimes it's not just him.
Sometimes I see random men try to hurt me. But I guess that's what it was. A random person who hurt me. I never did anything to provoke him nor did I do anything to deserve it.

Or maybe I did? Maybe in a past life I was awful. Maybe I did something bad. But nothing that I could have done should be punished with something as traumatic as that.

I've gone over the whole situation so many times in my head wondering why. Why did it have to be me? Why did it have to be anybody?
Maybe I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Was I?

As I sit here wanting just one peaceful night, I can't help but wonder how the blade will feel against my skin. The release I feel when I see those first four dots of blood. The way the blood runs down my arm makes me feel so... In control. Like nothing I have ever felt before.

The only thing rolling around my brain is the release, the sweet, sweet release. I recall the feeling of demons being emptied through my blood. All of the bad thoughts, the voices, they all leave in that moment and for a short amount of time I feel tranquility.

That is until the cycle begins again.

I wonder how long it will take, how much blood I will need to shed until all of the voices have disappeared? Or will they ever disappear?

Do they feed off my resentment for him? Do they feed off my sorrow or hatred? My happiness or strength?

I tell myself how I want to change, I want to be happy, I want to go back to the old me. I gave up on my life too quickly but it doesn't feel right to go back now. I don't know how long I can take this. The waiting.

Waiting for the time where I'm pushed over the edge and everything that I worked for these past few months is just flushed down the drain.

Waiting for the time where everything just stops so suddenly and I'm no longer in this everlasting, inner pain.

Waiting for the peace.