Dark night of the soul

Chapter 145

*Sarah's POV*

"Let's go Sarah, we need to film the rest of your scenes because of the unnecessary time you had off" Ryan huffed, panicking about the amount of time we had to film left. I sighed.

If only he knew...

"Hi Stefani" (gaga) I say chirpily greeting yet another idol. She greets me with her usual smile and hug and we begin filming.

***

As I walk to my car, I can hear Ryan behind me. "Sarah, can we talk please!" He shouts and I turn around.

"Listen, earlier on I came across a bit harsh, I didn't mean to, it's just the fact that everything is just so stressful trying to get this and scream queens filmed and write another programme. It's all just getting a bit overwhelming. I hope you understand?" She scratches the back of his neck.

I smile. "Yah, course Ryan don't worry about it."

"Sarah, is there anything you need to talk about? Maybe why you went away for three months. No calls, no texts. What happened?"

"Well..." I begin.

I hope I'm not going to regret telling him this.

"You know what went on between me and Daniel and obviously everything on social media about me hurting myself and stuff like that. Well about three months ago I suppose it all just became too overwhelming and I did it again but this time deeper and Jess found me. She warned me the last time she saw my self harm marks that she would put me in a rehabilitation home but I never believed her. Well this time she actually went through with it." I explain.

His eyes soften and he opens his arms out for a hug.
The next thing I know I see flashes of light being directed at us.

Oh please don't let it be...

I turn to face where the flashing was coming from and of course, it's paparazzi.

"Sarah, can you talk about your relationship with Jessica?"

"Sarah are you a close friend of Ryan's?"

"Sarah do you still cut yourself?"

"Sarah can you talk to us about Daniel Huston?"

"Sarah have you tried to commit suicide more than once?"

Tears fall from my face as Ryan pulls me over to my car and gets me in. "You'll be okay Sarah just quickly drive off, I'll sort them out don't worry." He says and with that my car screeches out of the car park.

Fuck. What if it's all in the papers tomorrow? What if people won't leave me alone? What if my mother finds out about my attempt? What if my friends find out? No no no.

Why did this have to happen? I knew it was a bad idea to open my mouth.
This is all my interviews will be full of.

How the hell am I meant to escape this? This will be never ending. Ava is going to grow up knowing that her real father is dead and more importantly a monster. We will never be able to explain this to them.

I pull into yet another car park and walk in the building. I knock on the office door. It opens and I see Melissa.

"Hi Sarah, this is unexpected?" She says with furrowed brows.
I go to open my mouth to speak but I don't know what to say. I don't know why I am here.

"The papers, they know..."

***

I explain what happened as Melissa takes it all in and tries to figure out what we could do.

"Sarah, for know you just need to calm down. If Ryan said that he has sorted it then maybe he has. The only thing you can do now is wait and see. If it does end up in the papers, yes people will know but you just need to take it with a pinch of salt and think of what good can come from this. Think about some of your fans who have gone through the same, you could be an inspiration to them. If they knew that you have conquered this it might give them the boost they need to do it themselves."

Once she said that, it got me thinking.

What if I could help people? What if my pain does bring some good?

Maybe...

***

(The next day)

I wake up, hoping to get up early enough to go to the store so I can get a newspaper. As I sit up I see that I've been beaten to it, there is a newspaper sat at the foot of our bed.
Jessica comes in from the bathroom.

"When were you planning on telling me about this?" She says standing in front of me with her arms crossed. I rub my temple. This is all too much at 8am.

I pick up the paper, ignoring Jessica's question and I begin to read.

The headline read:
'Sarah's suicide secret?'

Fuck..

I carry on reading.

"Months after the death of Daniel Sallis Huston, Sarah Paulson's mental health has been brought to the publics attention. Late, yesterday afternoon, reporters caught Paulson and Ryan Murphy, a fellow friend and colleague, talking about the situation. Paulson stated "I suppose it all became too overwhelming" which is when she began to talk about being put into a Rehabilitation Facility by her loving wife Jessica Lange."

I couldn't read anymore. I began to tear the paper up, uncontrollably crying.

"How the fuck could they do this!?" I raise my voice, not talking to anybody in particular.

My phone began to ring. It's my mother. I ended the call, knowing what is to come of the conversation.

She rings me multiple times then finally gives up for a while.

***

I check my phone at 10am and I see that my mother has left me half a dozen voicemails.

Yay.

I hesitantly open them.

Voicemail #1
"Sarah Catharine Paulson will you answer your goddamn phone!"

Voicemail #2
"Sarah this better not be true what I'm reading right now!"

Voicemail #3
"SARAH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!"

Voicemail #4
"young lady if you do not answer this phone right now I'm going to drive to your house"

Voicemail #5
"Okay maybe I'm being a little harsh, please, just answer me."

voicemail #6
"Sarah honey I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I should have been there for you. Please answer the phone, I need to know that you're okay"