Dark night of the soul

Chapter 147

*Sarah's POV*
I nervously make my way downstairs, dreading the moment I make eye contact with my mother, I know exactly what she is going to do.

"How is my ickle babby" I hear her talking to one of the children in the living room.
This is it, it's now or never.
I turn the corner, no body has noticed me yet. I clear my throat and two sets of eyes are on me, whilst Ava sits in her nannys lap playing with her necklace.

"Here, let me give you guys some privacy" Jessica says awkwardly taking Ava out of the room.

My mother stands up and stares at me with tears forming in her eyes.

Oh god please do not cry. I can only stay so strong until my mother cries. If my mother cries I'm going down with her.

She blinks, letting a tear drop escape her eye and that's it. I'm gone. I cannot stop my eyes from welling up with tears. Then, as if on cue, we both paced towards each other and embraced one another.

"I'm so so sorry Sarah, how could I not realise that you needed help" she cried.

I felt so guilty, the fact that she's blaming this on herself when in reality it was me holding the blade. It was my dress that was too short. It was my fault for walking down that alley way. My fault for not going home with Jessica. My fault.

"Mom, this is not your fault, its mine" I whisper and she pulls away.

"Sarah Catharine Paulson, this is not in any way shape or form your damn fault, it was his! It was his decision. He was the cruel one." She holds me at arms length.

***

After an hour of practically sitting in silence my mother asks the one question I was dreading.

"Why did you hurt yourself?"

The lump in my throat expanded. I thought for a moment as to how exactly I was meant to answer her question. Do I give her a straight answer? Do I lie? To I tell her that it's all a lie and that the press just made it all up?

To be honest, I didn't exactly know why, I didn't plan it, I didn't think one day that maybe self harming would solve all of my problems. It didn't. It simply made matters worse, take this situation for example.

"They lied, I don't hurt myself mom" I lie. I feel so guilty lying to a woman I love dearly, but it's for her own good.

She gives me that concerned motherly look. Just as I think that she believes me she takes my left arm and slowly rolls up my sleeve. I'm paralysed, I don't move or react. I don't try to stop her. Why am I not stopping her?

The further she pushes my sleeve up, the more scars she can see.
The more scars she can see, more tears drown her eyelids.

I know deep down that she is, once again, blaming herself.

"It wasn't my intention to start" I begin, knowing that this, an explanation, is what she needs.

"Nor did I want it to become an addiction. I think the whole thing that started it all off was being able to feel something worse than what I had gone through in order to take my mind off of the previous event. Feeling only the fear was like a bottomless abyss, inescapable but by adding the pain to the fear just somehow created a barrier for the time being, I forget about what had happened, I'm free in that moment. It's the way I coped, the way I stayed sane.
Something like self harming isn't a cry for help, nor was it me seeking attention. I didn't self harm for anybody other than myself." I explain. She nods slowly, showing me that she's trying to understand. I don't expect her to. Nobody really does understand.

Her hands are still on my arm, brushing past a scar every now and again, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I twitch and pull my arm back. This is all too much in one go. I need to take things step by step. 

(A/N- this chapter is so short and boring I'm sorry! I really wanted to update for you guys but I'm really busy and ill but hopefully I'll come up with something better tomorrow!
Thank you for reading loves❣️)