Dark night of the soul

Chapter 146

You have to loose something that plays such a big role in your life to realise that it was your foundation and without your foundation you can never stand up again.

This is something I do not want to let go of.

The wound I do not want to heal.

The sentence I cannot bear to end.

The pain that I cannot relieve, nor do I want to.

It's all so crazy. Wanting to get rid of it whilst it's happening but the moment it ends, the moment you find yourself without it, you realise that this is the way you live. Who you are. Who you have become. You cannot simply rid yourself of the one thing that keeps you sane.

Understanding that you wrap your hands around stems covered in thorns only to look at the beautiful flower on top. Is that what I'm doing? Am I wrapping my fingers around the blade only to come out happier.

You cannot simply hope. You have to feel. Feel the pain in order to take pleasure.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Jessica's clicking fingers in front of my face. My eyes were open the whole time but I didn't realise she was there.

"Sarah! What the hell are you doing with this?" She snatches something from my hands.

"Hm?"

"This? What are you doing with it in the bathroom. I thought you quit this.. This shit?" She raises her voice holding up a shiny object.

I shake my head.

What is going on?

"Jess, I.. I don't know. I don't remember coming in here..." She doesn't believe me. She rolls up my sleeves and checks my arms. Nothing.

She turns to the toilet, throwing the blade in and flushing it.

"Get ready, your mother is coming over." I can tell she is angry. Fuck.

When the hell did that happen?

I get in the shower then get ready for my mothers visit.
Once I get out of the bathroom I check my phone.

Three voicemails. Hm.

I check each of them, not knowing who they're from as there is no caller ID.

*voicemail #1*
"How could you leave me here?"

*voicemail #2*
"How could you cheat on me?"

*voicemail #3*
"If I can't have you, nobody can."

Each voicemail sends chills down my spine. This girl is obsessed.

I delete each voicemail and turn on my wifi to reply to tweets Ect.

One tweet in particular catches my eye.

'@mssarahcatharinepaulson just finished the last episode of ACS- If you don't win something for that role I'm having words'
It was from Holland Taylor. I quickly tweeted back.
'@Hollandtaylor thank you for such kind words🙉 please have words with somebody I'm dying to win something😉😂'

As soon as I hit tweet my notifications began blowing up.

'Raulson'

'Mom'

'Sarah notice me'

'Hi Sarah I love you so much'

I replied to just over fifteen tweets then made my way downstairs to my wife.

***

Hey guys, I just wanted to say that I might not be updating as often anymore because I've just started my A-levels which is a lot more work than high school so please don't stop reading I will update whenever I get the chance, even if that means writing in the bath😂😂😂
Ily guys thank you for reading!