Dark night of the soul

Chapter 89

*Sarah's POV*
We approach the court room again and Danny is asked to take the stand and he's pleading innocent.
My lawyer begins to ask him questions. "Mr Houston, were you or were you not under the influence of alcohol?" Lydia asks.
DNA tests are shown to the judge proving that Ava is his child and Lydia had a doctor take the stand and talk about the evidence he had collected from me proving that I had been raped. I'm just praying that it's enough.

The hearing continues but all I can do is sit there mindlessly, not listening to anybody, just sat there accompanied by my thoughts.
"Tomorrow we will hear the verdict at 11:25am and for now you are all dismissed thank you for your time" the judge bangs his wooden hammer, snapping me out of my thoughts.

*at home*
"It's going to be okay baby, it will all get better I promise you" Jess says squeezing my hand. I nod weakly. "I'm going to take a bath" I say and make my way upstairs.
I sit there in the bath unable to think about anything other than tomorrow.
What if the verdict isn't guilty? All I've been able to think about these past few weeks is how I'll hopefully be able to move on with my life knowing that he is unable to harm me or my family.
Jess tells me that everything is going to get better- part of me knows that it's not going to get better but part of me is begging myself to.

I scratch the surface of my skin with my shiny companion and feel a rush of what? Peace, excitement, release? I'm not sure but it felt amazing. The way all of my worries were gone so quickly. I sliced more, quicker and deeper leaving dark blood seeping through each wound. I couldn't stop. It was all too good.

Cutting, it's like a roller coaster ride. You go up and up and feel so amazing until you reach the top, your high then it all rushes back down. You're like a child at a theme park wanting to ride it over and over again. The release is bliss but it's never enough. It doesn't make the mental pain go away forever. Just for a second. But sometimes that's enough just to feel inner peace for a moment.
*play music*
I've been told by many people that it gets better, not just my wife. The thing is, they have no idea what the hell I am going through, they have no idea what pain is caused when something as traumatic as that happens and they have no idea what luggage comes with it. The flashbacks, the lack of sleep, the battle with yourself wondering what you could have done to prevent it happening, the feeling of emptiness. No one really understands what it's like until it happens to them.

I look down into the pinkish water at my thighs. I had no room left on my arms, they were riddled with healing and fresh cuts. It's time to move. I began cutting every inch of my thigh.
"Why" cut
"Am" cut
"I" cut
"So" cut
"Fucking" cut
"Worthless" cut
"WHY?!" I screamed with tears streaming down my face.
"You. Stupid. Fucking. Whore. You. Don't. Deserve. To. Live." My vision was blurry from tears but all I saw was red.
'No Sarah you cannot do this you have two children' I thought to myself. 'No I cannot do this to Jessica or them'
I wash away the blood and get out of the bath. I cleanse my wounds and wrap them in bandages and stare at myself in the mirror.
"You" I point to the mirror "you are fucking stronger than this you hear me? You have two beautiful kids downstairs and an amazing wife and you're going to give that up for what? Death? Hell no Sarah you're a fricken survivor!Tomorrow you're going to walk into that court room and you're going to slay. That mother fucker is going down!" I slap my hand on the sink.
I will not let him get the better of me, he cannot take anymore of my life away from me. I will not allow it.
I throw on some clothes and check the time. It's 2:30pm. "Jessica!" I shout out of the bathroom. I hear her rush upstairs. "What's wrong?" She says out of breath. I cock my head and chuckle. "I just wanted to ask you if we could invite some friends over for dinner tonight" I said with a smile. She looks at me in shock. "Sar-" she begins but I interrupt her. "I've had an epiphany Jess... I'm not letting that mother fucker take over my life. Tomorrow is the last I have to see of him and damnit I want to celebrate that" I say proudly. She nods yes. "Yes Sar, God I'm so proud of you" she hugs me and kisses me sweetly.

I'm going to fight this battle. I will not let this take my life from me. I was so happy before all of this happened and I will continue to be happy. This is it, this is where I put my foot down and become a warrior. I will no longer be the victim.
I walk into the bathroom without saying a word to Jess but I can hear her footsteps behind me. I take out the box I stashed underneath the cabinet and I open it. I look over to Jess who is standing in the doorway and back at the box again. I take out the bloody razors and I ignore her gasp of shock. "This feels right" I say as I throw my razors into the toilet and flush them. "Good riddance" I say and Jess chuckles. I let out a sigh. This is it. I'm almost free.
"I couldn't have done this without you Jess... Thank you so much" I say hugging her tightly. I hear her snivelling and it makes me tear up. "You've made me so happy today Sar, I can't thank you enough for doing this."