Best Insults Comebacks & More

Stories

1.

 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man. 

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. 

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked.

 "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam" the man moaned.

 "Where ya from Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.

 "The balcony."

2.

 A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties lad out on it.

The first man asked "Please I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The second man replied "I don't have any water but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The first man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

 "Ok, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The first man thanked him and walked towards the hill.

Three hours later the first man came crawling back to where the second man was sitting behind his card table.

He said " I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't find it?"

The first man rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."