Changed For The Better

Dog Accents

I stood outside mine and Ryan's room. Why do I feel so nervous? This is my decision this is my life. I choose to have Ryan in my life because I enjoy that, so I shouldn't feel bad for trying to move my life onto the next steps. Telling him shouldn't be hard.

And yet it feels like it is. I dread going in here now. I didn't think he would react the way he did. I thought he would calmly step aside and to me do it my way, like I did for him. Why does this have to be a mess? Why is everything in my life such a mess?

And I feel something else. I feel guilty. Not only because I feel like I'm leaving Ryan, even though I know I'm not, but because I feel like I'm letting him down. Im giving in to what Luke wanted me to do, and what I was so against doing when Mike worked here.

I knocked on the door, but didn't wait for a response. This is my room as well, I just wanted him to know I was coming in. Besides he could have been changing or something I don't know.

I opened the door and Ryan was just sat there in his bed, staring. He didn't move. He didn't even look up or flinch or meet my eye. This is weird. This isn't like him at all. It reminds me of how he was in my nightmares. The Ines where he kept dying.

I shut the door and walked over to his bed, and sat in front of him, with my legs crossed just like his. He looked so fragile. I looked into his eyes, but for the first time in ages, I couldn't see anything. Not one thing. Not one hint of anger, or sadness or anything. He was gone.

"Ryan?" I whispered. "Ryan?!" I said louder. "Ryan stop it you're scaring me"

I took his hands of his knees and held them in mine. I used my thumbs to rub circles into the back of his hands. They felt cold. It's like he's in shock.

"Ryan, talk to me this isn't funny"

He tilted his head down slightly to look at me directly. I felt intimidated, but in the back of my mind I knew it was just Ryan. What was he going to do to me?

"You're getting fostered" he said monotonously.

"I'm being put up for fostering. I might not get fostered ever"

"It's the same thing"

There was an awkward pause. "Look Ryan you're going to have to do the talking here. I really don't know what it is you expect me to say to you"

"Why?" He asked instantly.

"What?"

"Why are you getting fostered? Why are you leaving me?"

"I'm not doing it to leave you Ryan. This isn't about you"

"Then what is it about?!"

"It's about the others! It's about them bullying me! It's about me no longer having the will or desire to live under the same roof as them!"

"So you're doing it out of spite is that it?"

"No that's not what I said..."

"Well that's what it sounded like to me!"

"Ryan why can't you just accept my decision? Or at least respect it like I did when you decided to go and live in America with Chloe and your mum?" Oops, I went too far.

"That was different! You said you wanted me to go! I thought you wanted me to go! I don't want you to go!"

"But it's my decision Ryan! It's up to me! Besides, even if I do get fostered it probably won't be until I'm practically forced to leave this place anyway"

"I know!"

"Then what's the problem?!"

He was silent for a moment. "The problem is you want to leave"